Today couldnt have been any more wonderful. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up with a best friend like you. You stuck by my side through it all, and I am so blessed. It is always wonderful to drive with you, music blasting, us singing loud and dancing, being so silly! Windows down. sunshine on our faces, dresses, sunglasses and wind in our hair. Talking about everything, I dont think it gets much better than this. I am so incredibly blessed, and I cant thank you enough for being so stable in my life, I cant wait for many more adventures with you.


<3

I am so happy that you finally found someone who makes you this happy, You deserve the world, your an incredible friend and I cant describe how wonderful it is to see you smiling and laughing and just glowing. Your so wonderful, the most incredible friend anyone could ever ask for. I admire you so much. 

<3

I didnt expect this of myself. hmm?

I feel like getting up and starting my day that early really helped, and just being with fusion people and like starting my day off with God, really helped me.

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.
please stop.

Poland

Poland and those two weeks are always in the back of my mind, but some days the longing to be there is stronger than normal and on those days I just close my eyes and cry and just pretend im back there. Because for those two weeks, nothing back here mattered, all that mattered was spreading Gods glory and Love over this incredible country. I always feel like Im going to wake up and realize it was a dream, the whole bonding experience leading up to the trip was incredible, all the bonding trips. meetings, bonfires and everything, it was pure bliss, the bonfires, the pool parties, the hikes, santa monica, I had a family to always depend on. the bonfires, the car rides there, freezing and just cuddeling under the stars just laying and singing, the food, the laughter, everything was wonderful. Its like I never doubted that I had at least 10 people to count on, its like we were inseperable. I remember getting at the parking lot at like 4 in the morning we were all so anxious, all the mothers just sitting there trying to prepare us, as we got on the fligth my stomach was in butterflies, I was so excited, the flight was long and miserable and once we got there I just remember being on cloud 9. the time there was incredible, I just remember little bits and pieces, dancing in the rain, just sneaking onto myspace or to email our parents, just sitting in front of the snack bar and talking, all the wonderful foods and the kaktus juice, I remember sneaking around to get out of our cabin, all the friends we made, the things they somehow got us to say, just watching them play games, the sand in my toes on the beach, the pictures the laughing. Now I look back and cry because I long to be back there, to be in that bliss. We all continued to talk once returning, but it seems as if now we all have drifted, some of us still hang out, and some are gone, college, jobs, its like what once was my family im slowly losing it all and it scares me, looking back on it all just makes me wish I still was friends with everyone and we all were back there, specially the nights in krakow, we had the time of our life. I wish it didnt end, I miss it so bad. and I really miss you, having you be my other half, shame that reality kicked in, I miss you.

i could blog about this for hours.

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love


Lovelovelove!

weCANdothisweCANdothisweCANdothis.

sometimes I just wish that I could be there for you, like you were for me when I was down, im finding it really hard to keep my head up for you. But you deserve it.

ps. I might move! hello world!
<3

I hate this feeling, its in the pit of my stomach.

You are the biggest Hypocrite I have ever met, sad thing is you pretend that your so wonderful. Stop the lying and the acting, its getting old. Its honestly turning me away slowly.

icantdothisicantdothisicantdothis.

I am so sorry that you are hurting this much, I cant find the words to describe how much that phonecall broke my heart, you mean the world to me, you are my biggest role model. Please dont ever think you have dissapointed me, I admire you more than anybody and I will always love you. You are beautiful, smart, funny, strong and intelligent. you are someone I have always looked up to. you have saved me and I feel so helpess just sitting her watching you struggle. your in every prayer, your on my mind all the time, and I am not letting go of this untill I have you back, because my life has been shit without you. I feel more alone than ever, your practically my mother, you took care of me when nobody else wanted to, life without you is so boring and sad. please pull through, cause its eating away at me. I want nothing but the best for you. You are strong, I know you can do this.

I am so sick of my education being the main topic of discussion, its like people don't ever ask me what I want, instead they just voice there opinions. How do you know what I feel about certain things, Maybe if you took the time to understand me, you would know why I want to take my GED. Because honestly, I have this life planned, but nobody wants to know it, because everyone is worried that I don't know whats best, But I guess I am just stupid, and have nothing going for me, great.


so fantastic.

Sometimes its hard to be strong, I just want to be vunerable, but I find it impossible. I will always have my guard up, even with you.

for the first time, I dont how to deal with this.

today I woke up early and found myself just laying in the backyard with the sun on my face. I then continued to think of summer, how amazing it will be, adventures of driving, photogrpahy and music, pure bliss on the beach, summer dresses, no shoes, hair wild and no makeup, sunshine on my face and my shoulders. Vacations, sleepovers, camping, hiking. Everything sounds so wonderful.

why cant it be summer yet!

It just keeps getting harder.

I wish I wsh I wish

heres my selfish rant of everything I wish:
I wish I didnt like you this much.
I wish your words didnt hurt more than anyones.
I wish I could be in Poland again, or travel the world.
I wish you werent sad anymore.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish "it" didnt consume my life for so long.
I wish I never had to fall for you and watch you be with her.
I wish I could be the stability you long for.
I wish it didnt scare me to let you care.
I wish you were happy.
I wish I was happy.
I wish I could drive.
I wish I didnt have to depend on anyone.
I wish I was married with children.
I wish you and him happiness.
I wish I could see that look on your face when I sang.
I wish I could hug you one more time.
I wish you could still play the guitar while I fell asleep.
I wish I could change my last words.
I wish you knew how much we all cared.
I wish I could fix that feeling of brokeness you feel.
I wish I could make all your problems dissapear for a day.
I wish you could see me now.
I wish you were here to set me straight.
I wish I never became addicted to it.
I wish I could play the piano.
I wish everyone was hapiness.
I wish you were financially stable.
I wish Berkeley was closer.
I wish I could see you, hug you, and hear you.
I wish I could sew.
I wish I was smarter.
I wish I wasnt so selfish.

I wish I wish I wish.

stupid rant.

I have so much on my mind, and its like this feeling that I cant escape my thoughts.
It seems as for a while I had the ability to stand up for myself, and I was so proud of myself. Im losing that. I let you walk all over me and I just sit there, I let you make fun of me, call me out, ignore me and all that, but now Im just afraid to stand up for myself. and I am so afraid of losing you, so I take it, but it really is starting to hurt.

another thing that really annoys me lately is the need for everyone to tease me because Im not the most intelligent. I honestly am not like downright stupid. Im just a silly person, so half of the time Im not serious. But I know have fun, and I think that my skills will get me through life, rather than being booksmart. I have alot going for me, I dont have to have 4.5 just to have a good enough future.


and I keep thinking this will get easier. but each day it gets worse and worse.

Today was just wonderful as I got up and attended coffee, then I adventured over to simi and enjoyed wonderful time with wonderful friends, lots of laughing, climbing, singing, skipping and pictures. sometimes I think my life cannot get any better, Why do I ever complain. I have it so good, and the few friends I do have are incredible!

<3

Gossip.

It has been pointed out latley by friends, stupid facebook tagging pictures, and whatnot. I need to stop gossiping, I dont want to wake up one day and realize I ruined people with my gossip. What I thought was harmless talk, is already hurting people I care about. I used to just shut people out when they confronted me on it, untill I started realizing what it was doing to the people I love. I hate that it has this control on my life. I dont want to wake up in 15 years and be that mother that still gossips, I dont want to hurt anyone, I tried to convince myself I was helping. I cant lose friends anymore. I need to stop. I hate when people gossip about me, what makes me any different than them, I guess it was my way of escaping everything. but I need to stop, cause its ridiculous and stupid.

Gossip hurts people. even harmless words still hurt because it makes you wonder what else you say. I dont want this reputation anymore.

seeing you hurt this bad is truly breaking my heart in half. I have this sense of guilt in the pit of my stomach because I feel like Im not being the bestfriend you deserve right now, and you know Im here, I adore you more than any person in the world. and I cant take seeing you cry anymore, its hard to watch, its like someone taking away half of me.


please be happy.
I will do anything for you, dont forget it.

peculiar.

its like Im so happy, but I keep letting my mind wander and thinking where things went wrong with you. Im so sorry for what I did, I still cherish you.

Letting myself fall for you is just setting myself up for heartbreak and tears.

:(

Hello World.

Everything and everyone is changing, and were all slowly losing a say in eachothers life. I feel like everyone has stopped trying to help each other because society has made it so easy to isolate yourself and not need to depend on anyone, we can hide behind our computer screens and just fake an emotion that isn't necessarily ours, its become so easy to just say that we are "good" or "okay", because behind this huge screen nobody can really see the emotion. Its become easier to lie to your friends, stir up fights because we become more confident in these indirect confrontations. Its become easier to cheat ourselves out of actual human interaction. What happened to hanging out with people, getting lunch to catch up, now we can just text, and communicate using either email, facebook, myspace and many other ways, We dont even have to pick up a phone and dial a number. Its become easier to isolate yourself, were losing compassion, instead of baking something or going to visit someone, you can send an e card or whatnot, I just think the world is become this place where there is no need for anyone but yourself. I miss compassion, I miss being young, playing with your friends, when lieing harder, meaning we were more honest, I miss before technology took over our lives.

maybe its just me.

scary.

Its scary to open my heart up to anyone anymore. Like that sense of vulnerability is now looked down upon, because society makes it out so we have to be these strong individuals. I feel like accepting help its looked at as failing on your own. I think society has put this pressure on me to make it look like Im so put together, because you look at the tabloids and you see these stars falling apart and weak and hurting and they are targeted for gossip. So I have tried to pretend things are great at times so that people wont talk about me, but fuck, if they are talking at least they know my name, I want to let people help me when I need it. and I am no longer afraid to be vunerable. because honestly I have given up trying to impress everyone, I dont have my shit together AT ALL. and I wont pretend I do. because we are human, and God loves me regardless of my imperfections, and I cant love the World and God, so I choose God. Because no matter how many times I mess up, God isnt leaving, friends will. I dont trust people. But he is forever, and I know that people always look down at christianity, but I no longer am embarrassed that I am christian, Because honestly choosing to be a christian was the best decicsion I have ever made.


so I will no logner fear anything, because God is on my side, just like he always has been, I guuess it takes hurt to see that.


Genuine faith endures trials.

you

make me so happy, even when Im having a terrible day, my face lights up when your around.
you always make me smile, you always know what to say. I get comfort in knowing your there.


crussshing.



its kinda scary.

fucking.

sick of pretending that I dont care,
stop putting me down, stop treating me like Im 12, I am not a child. You are so contradicting, you fucking hurt my feelings all the time, and I pretend that I am okay but I am not, your never around, and when you are you act like you have some power over me, until you stop being a hypocrite and stop contradicting yourself, I refuse to be nice to you.


so fucking over it. bullshit.

Larry Lohan.

Honestly. I have no idea why everyone is making such a huge deal. the gossip is harmless, and its all stuff you would have found out anyways, larry lohan is just the first person to actaully share the gossip, and since we are clueless to who he is it makes everyone mad. if your best friend was the genius behind larry, im sure it wouldnt bother you. its honestly not a big deal, and to people telling there parents, thats just lame, he isnt a threat, larry is just an anoymous blogger with balls. at least hes doing something, i wish I was larry lohan, hes a smartie.

watch out kids, larrys coming for you!

To Marissa:

Dearest Marissa,
You have to be the most incredible best friend I could ever ask for. I dont know how I survive during our fights, its like my other/better half is missing. You have been through everything with me. I cant even describe it. You have seen every stage of my changing, and you have seen every crush, heartbreak, fights with friends. We have gone through so much good, yet held hands through the bad. we always have eachothers backs. We are going to go through life laughing and holding hands along the way, I refuse to walk down the asile unless your my maid of honor, you have to hold my dress while I pee, make a toast and tell everyone how funny we are, I want you to sit with me while we just ramble on about our children, get coffee together, raise our kids together, and just enjoy life. we will be by eachothers sides.

Now Im going to get sentimental, when we fight, I lose a part of me, I forget how to function, Its like a breakup, I just cry, sleep and pick at food or stuff my face. I become short with everyone, and look through pictures and sulk. and then when I see you as fusion or something, I usually break down, then when I hear that your sad I immeditaley just worry, I try to get everyone to help you. I hate seeing you sad, I put on an act that Im okay, but I never am, because I dont know how to be a normal human without you. you are my sanity and my nice half. I am so protective of you.

Its weird how much highschool tears people apart, but I have realized that were inseperable. your the one I call to tell good news, or cry to. I can tell you EVERYTHING, because I trust you. I trust you with my secrets, my life, you never give up. Im sorry when I yell or do stupid things and dont let you have a say, your opinion comes first and I always listen, I always try to take your advice. I love you more than words can say, you are everything to me, I couldnt ask for anyone better, forever and always<3

Love,
Natle<3


ps. your my person.

past few days.

I have learned to be at peace with myself and my independence.

feels so good to  not need you.

so content with everything at this moment in time. hope it lasts!

sick

I thought I liked the idea of you two,
it makes me sick to my stomach.

i cant do this anymore.

i cant : (

tonight

I sat down, opened up word and typed for hours about life, my thoughts, friends, crushes and what not, It came to be 11 pages, I printed it up. I have decided once a month to sit down and write about my life. and put in a boook, it will always be nice to remember<3


ps. thank you for showing me im worth it.

I was

your bestfriend when you were down, when you needed me. But now your getting back up on your own two feet and I realize I am slowly losing importance to you, Im glad your getting new friends, you deserve happiness. I dont matter anymore, you can easily fill your days up, while I just sit here telling you Im okay. But Im not.


I guess I knew I always wouldnt be your other half.
Because you found someone better, and he honestly is better.

vunerable.

am I supposed to know how to do this? Is it okay to be vulnerable?Am I supposed to be strong, while you lay there unconscious. All I can think about is the fact that I am not strong enough to let go, I am not capable of being okay if I lose you, and I cant lose another uncle, that would be 3 in 3 years, How am I supposed to be happy? your struggling and I am being selfish, instead of saying its all in gods hand, im saying, those fucking doctors aren't doing shit, why aren't they caring? I shouldnt be thinking about losing you. I should be praying for a miracle, and oh boy am I praying, because losing you will hurt me. You are my uncle Bob, the uncle that showed me what sass is, who taught me to swear in spanish, who showed me everything about cars at 5 years old, you took me to work and I loved being in the garage, watching you fix your car. I loved visiting you and the pancakes you always made, even though you played it tough, you always cuddeled me, you cut my sandwhiches into hearts, I should have told you I loved you, every chance I got, because you always told me.

please pull through, I cant imagine life without you<3

Its come to my attention.

I am a person that is becoming unrecognizable. I have found the old me slipping through the cracks of life. I no longer am easy going and funny and innocent, it has been pointed out that I use words like fuck, shit, damn, dick, and any possible cuss word that pops in my head, and its not really popular with my friends. I look back at all these incredible friends I once had and regret letting them walk away, I regret pulling away from everyone and becoming a hermit. I dont know who I am anymore. my style, friends, word choice, outlook and whatnot has changed, I have become more independent at times, but also very attached when upset, I am holding on to the few people I have and I feel like each day is a struggle. I dont know if I like the new me. Im fucking sick of it.

I find myself.

Reading your encouraging text messages throughout my day, telling my friends the funny things that you say, or the stories. and then they all as me if I like you, but I dont. you have become my best friend, you have become the person I trust and feel comfortable with, you care because you want to, you dont have any obligation to me, but you still care, you are my best friend. and I cant describe it, I feel like I have known you forever. You will make somebody very happy someday, I simply adore you.

you're an incredible friend<3

please be okay.

I wish this wasnt really happening, I feel more helpless than ever.
now what?


I give up.


:(

you have managed

to ruin every ounce of happiness I can get my hands around. 

its almost as if you say you want whats  best, but bitching me out is always in favor.

congratulations, you win.