how did I fall you for you this fast? You are always on my mind.

heres my new goal:
record my days, the good the bad the funny! my adventures, things I notice. Friends. then one day put it all together and have this wonderful memory.

:)

Why is it so hard to ask for help? can somebody please explain to me why its so easy to just hold things in, but its so hard to ask for someone to listen to your burdens, why is it so scary to be vulnerable? Why is it so easy to ask someone to hang out? but we cant admit that we need help, we just have gotten so accustomed to saying everything is fine, when in reality were screaming inside, begging for someone to help us.

why are we so afraid?

the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, I didnt want to tear you down, why dont you see? Hands down you are my most important friend, I dont want anyone more than you. I feel so safe with you. I love you.


you are my person.

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

I know you hate the mushy stuff.

Dearest Shmeath,
as I write you this I cant contain the smile on my face :) You are amazing, I cant imagine anyone else I would rather call a best friend. You are so patient, honest, beautiful, laid back, silly, and compassionate, you have stuck by the sides of many people through the good and bad, You got me through all the trials I created for myself. You are not afraid to be honest, but I know its all because you care. I know I annoy you sometimes and we bicker and snap, but I honestly am so lucky to have you. You never seize to amaze me.

You have made your way into my familys hearts. Not only does my mother explain to everyone that you are her daughter as well, my own father, the same grumpy one who cant stand us never fails to acceeppt you are part of my family, and same with Taylor. My granga and aunts and uncles all expect you around. My mother cares about you more than any friend I have ever had, she always asks about you when she hasnt seen you for 2 days, she always tells everyone about you. I hope you know that you will always be welcome here.

You have changed me more than any friend I have ever had. You are the strongest person and you have taught me how to stand up for myself, take criticism, and how to stay strong and love who I am. You teach me lessons daily. I love driving with you, singing, sunglasses, dresses, sunshine, beach days, the pool, driving for no reason, all the food places we expierience, making modeling videos and moshing. I simply adore you, You will always be the friend who has put a mark on my heart. I love you so much!

Love,
Daws

someone come, someone come and save my life
maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
but now it's like the night is taking sides
and all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
could it be this misery will suffice?

I want someone to text when I am doubting myself, someone who will tell me I have a purpose, my own person to make me realize that it will be okay. I wish I wish I wish.


Can I just get married and be a wife and mother yet?

I have to say city and colour is probably my newest thinking music....ha. I have this cd on repeat and It seems that the lyrics of this and of course Damien rice have caused me to just sit her and question everything. Not doubt, but question. Whats my style? who are my friends? where will I end up? Will I pass highschool? Will I get married? Can I just escape it all? Whats my personality? I am not sure if this is a good thing, Who am I? How did I end up losing myself? Is it possible to lose yourself? Will I just be a memory over time? Will I fall through the cracks? I just want the answers, I just want the old me back. Where I could stand up for myself, where I knew who I was.


where did she go?

this wont make sense to anyone, but highschool at the college taught me so much about myself, I was so grounded, I knew who I was, now Im losing that sense of confidence, and Im searching. you always knew how to show me who I was, now the question is, who is Natalie Dawson?

i have done so much, given so much, and wasted so much for you, but you still remain to treat me like shit. it doesnt get easier being rejected and teased by you. starting now i am done trying to help you, Your brought this upon yourself.

today was an epic fail.

I want to like you so badly, I want to respect you, I want to feel comfortable with you, I want to talk to you, I want to be your friend, but you're making it impossible. I dont want anything to do with you.... is this terrible of me?



and also, today made me want to move out so bad, It needs to happen.

I will Never Forget.....

I will Never Forget.....

I will never forget:

-the night we drove to the beach at 3 in the morning and I have never felt so safe in my life. i layed my seat back and you just drove and there was music, upon arriving to the beach we walked the pier and i looked over and saw my best friend walking by my side, I will never forget how much I smiled that night.

- the day I went with my girls to the beach and “my life would suck without you” came on, i looked in the mirror to see my best friend singing at me and i just smiled and tears rolled down my face,I will never forget my realization of how blessed I am.

- the first time we hung out with you, you suprised me by coming to its a grind, then you put us in your car and we drove for hours, just adventuring, going to the most wonderful hidden places, I will never forget how much I enjoyed your company.

- those wonderful late night conversations about life and we just talked for hours, not once waas the conversation dull, I will never forget the unconditional love you gave me.

- all the nights you came over, i would hear your car, i would come out front and get you, then you would come in and I would feed you and you would lay there and we lit the cinnamon roll candle and turned on norah jones, I will never forget how calm I felt.

-when mom told you how sad I was and you wrote me a letter telling me how proud you were and how much you loved me, I will never forget how proud I was to call you my brother.

- the night you got locked out and you ran over panting and as hard as i tried i couldnt stop laughing, we laughed so hard that night, I will never forget hearing you whisper outside the door.

- the day when i told you i lost my best friend and you put me in the car and you let me cry while you drove me to LA and you told me to pick whatever i wanted and we shopped for hours and you took me to dinner, I will never forget how much that helped me.

- the day i texted you asking you when you would be home because i needed to get out of moorpark and i heard you honk, you were in the car waiting to drive me wherever my heart desired, I will never forget the memories of our car rides.

- when you put sprinkles cupcakes on my door and a little note with a simple heart, I will never forget how much that little heart and gesture meant to me.

-laying with you on top of the houseboat just looking at the stars and you told me you couldn't ask for a better best friend and you just held my hand. I will never forget the good with you.

-sitting with you in the back of class just taking pictures and you always gave me advice and hugs, I will never forget how you always knew how to make everything better.

- the drive home from studio city, music blasting, sunroof and windows open, sunglasses and sundresses on, hair going wild and singing with everything we had, love songs and then guitar solos, I will never forget how lucky I am to call you my best friend.

- the many times you called me just to give me advice, regardless of what you were doing, you always knew how to help me, I will never forget how much you encouraged me in my faith.

Iwillneverneverneverforget.

Im afraid that if I leave moorpark, I will realize how happy I am to be away and I will never want to come back, and I will never make the effort to return, therefor losing touch with everyone from my childhood, that or I will leave and realize how much I miss mooorpark, realize how good my life was.

I am thinking the first one. trippy to think I wont be living here forever.

crushingcrushingcrushing.

today is the day my eyes were truly opened to your glory and how incredible you are, I am so glad to have my faith back, I am finally learning to like myself.

Avacadoss

Sometimes I cant even describe how funny my life is....
This morning after a good sleep I was craving avacados and I simply asked my father to head over to our friend ralphs so he could pick a few from the ranch, I head out for the day and later pull up with marissa and heather and my dad is holding about 5 avacados, In excitment I jump out of the car and look in the trunk to see a good trunk full of avacados. I look at heather and we just laugh, later on were unloading the trunk and a full target back for heather and it breaks and we are chasing after them, then after 3 buckets inside we finally have them in and then take about 15 to marissas and I pawned like 20 on heather, A rough estimate in the end, there were around 125 avacados. too funny to describe!