helpless.

I feel so helpless right now, you always have been there for me, You practically raised me, I have always looked up to you, you werre my role model growing up, I was so proud to hang out with you. You were my beautiful, cool, older sister! thats what I told everyone. Then when you moved away I was devestated, I remember being so excited when you would come home I would be so excited! then when my dad had his heartattack I remember you coming home to take care of me, I remember our sleepovers and all the pictures we took, I remember the laughing the dancing, the baking. Then when you moved back this last year, I reemmber being SOO excited, this past year you have saved me from my worst year. you always took me away when things were messy, you gave me advice, you took me to dinner and let me cry. you became my sister again.I felt so safe with you, all our adventrues and shopping sprees, oh the people we met, the guys who hit on us. you gave me the most laughs! Your car was sacred, and so much was said and screamed in it. the tears, the laughter, the gossip. everything. you became the person I trusted, you always took care of heather and I. I love you so much, and now without you, I feel Helpless, I hate seeing you like this. I miss you more than words can say.


<3

cheated.

I can't help but wonder if I cheated myself out of my highschool years?
I cant stop thinking what life would be like if I hadnt of left MHS, I wouldnt have the friends I made, but Maybe I wouldnt have lost old ones? I cant help but question my decision, was it the right one? Or should I have stayed?

why?

do these dumb scenarios always happen to heather and I?

we always have dumb problems that nobody else has to face! Like today, while dying my hair heather decides to shake the bottle and the dye goes everywhere! all over me, the counter, my cd player, my phone and the cabinets! and of course it instantly stained the cabinets! so of course not being able to get it out we head to michaels to buy paint! we get paint that of course DOESNT match, come home and go to paint over it, its so much lighter than my cabinets, so we call heathers mom, and andrew searching for help, but of course nobody will help us! so we try every cleaning product in my house and none works, so now I have to fess up to my mom!

why us?

oh and I hate being sick! Better heal before saturday or im going to scream!


<3

blogging.

has become my obsession, the freedom to put all my thoughts down and not care who reads them. kinda mysterious, and now I cannot feel like a burden, because whoever reads theses posts, reads by choice, I no longer am forcing my problems upon anyone.

oh what I would give to get away right now. to pack up all my stuff and just go.

how?

did things turn out this bad.

How did I become this miserable. How did I lose so many people. How did I let myself become controlled by such a silly problem. How did I let myself be such a bad friend. How come all I do is doubt myself and cry and pity my life. Why cant I be happy? How do I be happy? why cant I help the one friend who has been through it all with me?


if you figure any of these out, please let me know!

anxiety.

has been bad these past few days, when your away my anxiety is bad. when your home everything is okay, Please come back, I missmissmiss you! I dont like feeling like this! anyways, my birthday was very pleasant, and I am excited for saturday night! anyways, I love you so much! and I miss you!

<3

a serious question

How did my life turn out this bad?

I really want to know how all these friendships ended. want to know why nobody likes me?

can someone tell me why?

curious.

So tonight, at missys party I decided to get my fortune read, I proceed to pick 3 cars, all of them had to do with marriage and building a family, the person I marry was said to be strong and stable. then she proceeded to tell me I would have 4 children! I dont think this could be true, but I wish with everything I have that it would all end up this way, that this would be my life. I want to be a wife and a mother so terribly! Is it wrong to hope this all is the way it ends up? what if that waas my life!


I have been thinking alot about being a mom latley, more than normal. the idea of a child depending on me that much makes me so happy! how incredible it will feel, to be a mother, and to have someones life in my hands! Oh to be a mom, its going to be so much fun!

I lovelovelove the idea of my future.

cant stop laughing.

okay, so funniest night I have had in so long.
its around 10 30 and heather and I say our goodbyes, and my mother proceeds to take heather home. I go back to my life, and my mother returns, my parents go to bed, and I return to the computer, my house is dark and Im listening to music, then I hear banging at my door! Its 11 30 and I look out the keyhole and its pitch black, the dogs are going crazy and my mom runs down, and yells, "who is it?" and we hear a faint "Its me, I got locked out!" we open the door to heather panting. she proceeds to explain, how she was locked out and how she kept banging on the door and she rang the bell and robin wouldnt wake up! and she didnt have her key, I ask her why she didnt call and she reminds me that her phone was dead! so now i am laughing hysterically, cant breathe and heather is sleeping over, my mother made up the couch, and now im sitting here trying not to laugh anymore, realizing heather is frustrated! but i cant help to laugh that this is our lives, that situations like this follow us, and now Im sitting here with heather, who keep in mind i hate, and listening to music.


this is our lives, why wouldnt you want to be our best friend?

and in this crazy life,.

and through these crazy times,
its you, its you.


days like this, you realize your friends, and doubt a few.
I love that I am always being confronted, its quite funny actually, my friends feel the need to pick apart my life, I dont know what compells my friend to pick my life apart. over it. I dont need to worry about it. I have the people I need, and I will learn to cope with those I lose.

importance.

I want to feel important to someone, I want to take care of them, I want to cry with them, I want to laugh with someone, dance, take pictures and just remember all the good, and let go of the bad, I want to feel like they need me! like Im so important that life would be different without me! I want to care about someone with all I have, I want to be a mom, I want to hold a child and know that there life is in my hands, and feel the unfailing love of a child! I want them to cry and run to me, or cuddle in my arms and feel safe, I want to hold them and be there through the good and bad, and just remind them, that im always there. I want to feel needed by a child. know they are dependent on me! What a great feeling.

birthday,

so my birthday has been quite tiring, No sleep! Im running on coffee, I had a class at 8 30, and It was bad, I didnt have my book, so I felt stupid! then I had a long break, where I sat with with Heather and Merielle and Saw Kris, luke and kevin. Now Im off to nutrition, then I am getting lunch with ALY! then I will go home, take a power nap, head over to Joeys, meet up with heather later, and then dinner with my best friends! long day ahead of me, Running on NO SLEEP! haha. coffee will get me through! Love birthdays, get to see your friends!

<3

why.

cant i sleep?
miserable!

so.

things are good. My birthday is in 2 hours! and Im very excited! tomorrow should be a success! get to see my best friends, so everything is falling into place. lunch with aly, and I dont have to take the bus to school! hooray! tonight was good. very tired!

<3

santa barbra.

was so fun!
very eventful,
there will be pictures on facebook soon!
hmmm.
im sorry, but im not ready to tell you.

<3

tonight.

consisted of driving around, hunting for something very important.
picking up joey.
in n out.
7-11.
picking up andy
driving out to gravity hill and being scared multiple times.
driving out to camrillo, to scary dairy.
then back to moorpark.
trip to dennys
and now Im here.


was scared multiple times, almost peed my pants, blasting music, laughing and figuring out how my life turned out this way.

Santa barbra tomorrow with allie and heather<3

hmm

so heather and I have hit rock bottom.
we are bribing and begging people to hang out with us

Hm.

so today I helped heather move, I cant imagine how weird it was for her. It was weird for me to sit there and help her pack her things up, then drive 5 minutes to a room that once was heidis. I cant help but wonder when I will move out, whether it will be a dorm room or an aparment with my close friends, I sure hope not a dorm room. anyways, My birthday is in 4 days! and also, its weird not talking to you, theres so many things I need advice on, and so many things I wish I could tell you, but I cant.

today, driving around with heather, blasting music, singing and dancing felt so right, haah. I know it sounds weird, but I couldnt stop laughing and smiling, I found myself almost in tears, heather has been there through the good and the bad and when I waas upset or crying my eyes out or just laughing, music and signing and dancing in the care with heather was always the cure, so lets just say tonight, I was happy to regain that feeling that nothing else matters :) music has an incredible effect on me, some may call it weird, I call it love!

hmm

tonight was really uncomfortable, I thought everything would be normal again. kept passing, not once did you acknowledge me,I realized something,I always say I choose the wrong friends, but maybe its just me, maybe my friends are right,but Im the one that ruins it all. I think I am the reason I lose friends, its nobody else but me, I think I care to much, Im sorry to all you. Im sorry for blaming you.


isolation from everyone begins now.

:)

I am happy with life right now, regaining a friendship once lost, Very good weekend, hopefully things will go as planned, I am smiling, baking, and I got a cute belt today and made friends with albert from goodwill. Got some fake eyelashes. hahah. so excited for my birthday 5 days! and I will be 17!


lovelovelove<3

everything.

is changing, I am going to stop relying on people who are not equipped to help me, Its time to get help from people are equipped. I am happy right now. I know things arent good. But I am happy. cause I have my faith. I have realized I have my family. and I have some incredible friends, school is going good for me, I enjoy my classes. I am happy that my brother is still home, even if its only till monday. I am sorry for snapping, I am happy though. even though I am struggling, and may be discouraged at times. I still have hapiness in the fact that my faith is strong, and Im going to overcome it all. I am getting really at making cupcakes. haha. Its my life. Just bake, when in doubt.

<3

Im done.

relying on people, to take the pain away to fix me, this is all on me. so from now on I am doing this by myself. I will not be a burden anymore. I will not cry, complain or vent to anyone. I will not rely on people to help me. Because I need to do this alone, so Im sorry to everyone who has ever tried to help me and i HAVE pushed you away, but no longer am I a burden, I will be the friend that everyone misses. and my problems will be my own.

<3

relapse.

Im sorry.

hmm.

I used to depend on you, I USED to think you could fix me, I used to think you would never give up. funny how our opinions and lives change. Now I have learned to depend on nobody but God, Realized NOBODY but God can fix me, and you gave up. Its out of my hands now and I need to aceppt it. I have realized the couple of months that you have helped but you are incapable of fixing me, thats between me and god, so now, I will do this alone, because you need to focus on your life.

and ps.
dont try to fix something that I dont want fixed, and we dont need your help, were capable of it ourselves.

today,

I sat in my bed this morning with tears rolling down my face, I questioned my reason for waking up. I questioned why I should go to school and sit through a class. then it came to me, we dont need a new reason everyday to get up, because God is our reason. friends or family shouldnt be my reason, I should wake up and want to go out and live my life for him. So as I realized this I was overwhelmed with a smile and a sense of comfort, I didnt feel like I had no hope. Realizing this gave me a new perspective on the day. Instead of looking at everything poorly, I handeled my day with patience and grace, and this strength helped me come to the realizization that I missed my best friend, I missed her and I couldnt deny it. and to another person, I always thought you had an overwhelming amount of knowledge, i thought you were so incredible, and I still admire you, but I have learned not to depend on you to fix me, I have to do this with those I love, maybe you were there for me at my weakest, and now its time to do it alone, and Im at peace with it. Im going to be fine without you, I know I will. anyways, birthday soon, so excited for party, see all my close friends! I love this<3

I dont know.

why this is like a breakup.


so basically my birthdday is in 10 days and Im really excited, My party shall be wonderful. I get to see everyone that means something to me, I am excited. Already brainstorming cakes and whatnot. So excited!

Heather and I are getting really good at our dance routines to britney spears. and we will travel the world sharing our passion for dance with our great technique. london, paris maybe tokyo. Anyways well were going to go train, its serious buisness.

mmm.

I like you, alot. I shouldnt, But I do. I cant tell anyone! Not one of my friends knows that Im head over heels for you, nobody would ever expect it. but I am, you make me so happy! please dont ever stop smiling and laughing, please dont ever give up, seeing you down makes me feel helpless. its weird.


hhmm, so I have been really happy latley, I havent cried and I think my heart is a little stronger. I wish you were happy to. I wish you werent sad, I wish you were laughing and dancing with your friends, I wish your heart didnt hurt so much.

also, I wish you would just leave us all alone, Im scared of you. Please. Just get your own life, away from us!

<3

<3

through everythig you have been there, you promised never to give up and you never did, I snapped and you took it. I came to your house, layed on your floor and ate you chocolate and you couldnt have been anymore patient, I rambeled on when sad and made a fool of myself when happy, but you were alongside the whole time, you hugged me and told me it will all work out and you chose not to listen to everyone else. your worth everything to me and i couldnt be happier about how strong our friendship is right now<3


we went through alot, you helped me through some of the toughest times, but you never stopped caring, we would write how much we love eachother, and how were in lesbian love, you sent me postsecrets and never stopped encouraging me, you helped me every step of the way, you broughht up sensitive subject that saved me, you saved me from alot of things, like we say, I dont know how I lived before you.<3


16 years babygirl, when I was little you were all I know, I know you wont read this but oh well, man have you seen every side of me, you have seen me at my best and worst, I am so happy with where your life is right now babygirl, Im glad that your happy. even though soccer takes up most of your time I love you so much, I will always have a place for you in my heart.


you hae been there consitently for almost 3 years now, and I dont know what I would do without you, you let me cry and yell and you just sit there, but your honest, you tell me what you think even if it hurts, we love susanne so much and she has seen it all, but your one person I laugh with more than anybody, whether were shopping or just sitting on my couch or in its a grind were always laughing at something, you always make me smile, and I think you get me more than anybody else. my family loves you more than anybody else, pretty much more than me, and I think your the one person who actually get me, like you get that Im dumb and weird and even if you dont get the jokes, you understand that its my sense of humor, you have held me accountable, and I love all our time together, speciallly our late night trips to dennys and In n out. I love you! I couldnt think of anyone else I would rather share everything with.

for the past 6 months I have ran to you, I have looked to you for advice and you never failed me, even though it didnt always look like it was working it was. you have been so strong for me, even when things were bad, you always had hope. you had the strength to help me, you never gave up even though I knew you wouldnt, you delt with he exscuses, the trust issues, the pain i was holding in, the whole time your best advice, is seek god, he is forever, he will fix you, and be happy! You encouraged me when I was down, you made me laugh, you never failed to make me smile, with your jokes and whatnot, you told me to count chimmneys, and now I do everyday, and because of your Love for God and your willigness to let him use you to help me, Im happy, and Im becoming stronger, so thanks for never giving up.


all my life you have been there, even though we rarely saw eachother or hung out, I always considered you family! your so beautiful and you always have been a huge encouragment and role model to me, i cant tell you how much I love you and how much I have come to trust you in the past few years, Im so glad that like I can always talk to you, even though your in a different country, I know your still there for me, I cant wait till you get home! I love you.




15 years, we have had our ups and downs, said things we regret but we always recovered, we were the ideal picture of best friends, or so I was told. we have been through so much together, deaths, birthdays, births, fights, everything. we always pulled through, you were the one I ran to in times of struggle, I shut you out when my uncle died but you never held it againt me, you actually understood me, you know me inside and out, and I love you, things arent perfect, but only time can tell anymore, only time.

okay,

so its just really weird how ending a friendship is like a gnarly breakup, I dont even know, Like you have to exchange back clothes, jewwelry, everything, and then your poor friends get dragged into it. because when your best friends, you share friends and they have to balance there time, Its funny how ridiculous and unneccesarry this is, that your not even broken by this, that I have been crying since last night and your fine.

it was shady.

I need faith to get me through.
BAD.

uncle gene.

today I told the story of your death, I fought the whole time to hold back the tears as I explained everything, but you know what I realized? even though It was the hardest thing, I have learned so much and become so much stronger, Allthough I last all hope, in the end I pulled through, I have realized every effect it has had oon my life, and now Im going to tell all the good instead of ddwelling on the bad. I am crying so hard writing this. but lets just say the goodtimes with you always outweighed the bad, you shared me LOVE of movies, I loved our sunday movie days where we would rent new and classics and I would cook and you would bring the movies and we would just cuddle up on the couch and watch these movies then the minnute they ended, we gave our opinions. I miss the text messaging, the random jokes or fun facts you would send me while I was in school, I loved ventura with you, I loved our last trip to ventura, when you tried on every hat and got very in to character. you made me laugh harder than anyone, and when I cried you either played your guitar, sang to me or put on frank sinatra and danced with me until I was okay, I still fall asleep to songs like rocky raccoon and milx sex and cookies, and pencil thin mustache. I listen to those songs and imagine you singing them to me, I always looked up to you, your passion for music was so incredible to me, I always bragged about you, you always made me smile and laugh and I never hated spending time with you. you never were afraid to go out of your element for me, I would always ask you to bake with me, you would, regardless of it you wanted to, and music was our love we shared. you would let me call you at anytime and pick me up if I needed to get away, you always planned fun days where we would just spend time totgether, you had so many stories from traveling, even though we had our fights, I never stopped loving you, I never doubted that you loved me with everything you had, and I never felt like a burden to you, I love you unncle gene, more than anyone <3

and Im still thinking of you, Im at peace, but I still remember you<3

hmm.

talking about you tonight, made me realize how blessed I am to have a friend like you, who always gets me through, holds me accountable, and tells me when Im being irrational, when Im over reacting, but never giving up, and always reminding me that your there, Im not a burden and your not giving up, I am so blessed, I know its cliche, but like at the wedding, your a great present!

and tonight was so good, with mandi and aly! I adore them both so much, so nice to have people to hold me accountable and strong, I loved every minute of my night.

<3