2008.

so of course I have to blog about the new year, DUH!
okay so 2008 was a messy year, To be honest, I wish it never happened, If I could take it back I would in a heartbeat. I would hold on to friends and not let them walk away thinking they will come back. I live in the suburbs, Pathetic! I hate it here, nothing interesting, same people. No new faces, I wish I lived in portland orgeon. I wish I could just pack up and leave this all behind. throughout this year I have lost a few friends and gained some INCREDIBLE ones . I have learned alot about myself and my life. I have had a year of joy, smiles, laughter, years, screaming, fighting, fixing things, and just livivng life. I have learned that you have to hold on to those you love and dont take anyone for granted. I couldnt have gotten through this year without heather or erin, Heather was my sanity, the one who saw me cry at my worst, complain in my problems, run away in fear, and scream and let my anger out. She was the one who basically kept me going, and erin, she was the one that protected me, always had my best intrest at heart, took me away when I needed it and listened and helped me through, when kicked out, I stayed with her, and she just helped me through it all. These two people are the most incredible to me, I cant imagine how I would have survived this year without them, I really do miss the highschool sometimes, mostly cause I miss seeing my friends.

Lets hope 2009 is a good one.

over it.

i feel so stupidd.
time for new friends.

Im done,

trying to trick myself and everyone that Im happy, that I can do this alone, I cant.
and when I let my guard down and even consider letting someone help me, then please try.
If I push you away, Im sorry, but please help me fight,
Im asking for your help.

when Im ready, youu will know it.
give me a few months.

christmas.

was wonderful.
I am so happy.


I miss a few people like,
shannon weller
Kathleen Custodio
Meagan Bryan
Tess Henderson
Sean Olyink

and a few more!

ps. I miss poland.

Its winter.

Its winter and the coldness is making me so happy.
But of course I am getting sick, because I always do at christmas time.
Ice skating is so wonderful, except when I get tired and crash. ha
anyways, I have been thinking a lot about Christmas, its become such a materialistic holiday when it shouldn't be, so many family's are digging themselves deeper into debt just to give there kids this over the top christmas, and some are fighting just to provide a simple gift or two. I realize that is has become a comercial holiday, but to tell you the truth, I have realized, It doesnt matter about presents as much to me. I dont even remember what I got for christmas last year, but I can tell you about christmas eve with my family and christmas day, because thats what I cherish, Being with my family, the laughing, the food, the stories, the memories, and just being with the people that mean the most to me. I admitt I love to open presents, but this year, I have nothing to ask for, I am just happy to be alive. Im just happy to have my family, to sit around and laugh and cry with them. to have my friends who get me by, to look at christmas lights and watch christmas movies with my mommmy.

I dont remember christmas for the extravagent gifts, but only for the memories.
<3

weird.

how when I thought things were going great,
my heart was questioned.
someone saw behind it all, and all these emotions came up.
and I realized, I dont trust anyone. Like not anyone.
and I hate that.


But im doing this alone, and Im winning.


on the bright side, its christmas! 8 days! I still have shopping to do, But Im so happy, I get to be with my family, and be happy, and smile and laugh and drink hot coco and eat cookies and fudge and just be with the people who matter most.

and my brother is home and I have never been happier!


<3

weird mood.

really good day,
brother is home.
did all my homework.


then all the sudden I got really tired and like started crying and Im not sad.
hmm.
I think its just the whole missing my uncle.
I just cry without even knowing.
truly weird.

well im going to go see my brother<3

christmas!

its christmas! that helps everything, i bought a new apron, alot of unexpected things have been happening. but this is life right?
all I know is im scrapped up from the christmas tree falling on me.
hmm anyways, i have done my fair share of christmas baking, now all I need to do is christmas shopping.
Im recording my cd on december 21st. a long day in the studio, hopefully having a good outcome!
my brother comes home in 6 days and that gives me someting to be happy about.
tonight is my last night of steves class.
i got my hair done this weekend, I absolutley ADOREEE it.

ps, Im sorry you couldnt stay. Im sorry about everything mean I ever said.

off to go shoop, what else is new?
lovelovelove<3

so much on my mind.

the past few days have been interesting,
the idea of piercing my nose is a BIG option, not many people are agreeing but who cares, its my choice, my eyes have been opened to the lifestyle im living and the choices and my faith, Im not going to sit here and tell you about it, but I def. am going to pull through.

Im making some def, needed changes in my life.
as for school, I am overwhelemd but complaining I have realized is doing nothing for many, in any aspect of my life.

Instead of complaining Im going to fix things<3

today,

shannon weller completed me!
hahaha. My favorite person, screw all you who dont love her with all your heart!
your missing out!

and I have decided, heather and I are the greatest and you cant argue it.
and ps. I want to be a meermaid.


that is all.

hmm.

so bad weekend,
alot happened and I had alot of time to think.
thanksgiving just made me realize who really mattered in my life, I am just so thankful for everyone who is fighting alongside me to fix everything, I cant thank you all enough<3

Sick.

Im really sick,
Like I just want to lay down and cry, and my mommy is working and she wont take care of me.
I really want someone to take care of me instead of me taking care of anyone else.

Reality is, even when Im sick my duties dont stop. boys are on there way over to be fed.
my role as a mother will not stop even when im sick.


<3

Confused.

My anxietty is casuing so much confusion in my life. It is making me lose sleep, making me exhausted and causing me to be anxious about every little thing. I am truly exhausted, ALL THE TIME! mentally and physically. I find myself laying in my bathtub fully clothed and no water, just an empty tub, and coloring in coloring books at 3 in the morning. I hate the person I have become and I ate that Im usually crying or being mean and lashing out at the people I love. I used to laugh, Now I cry. I used to go out with friends, now I only have people over. I used to be a good friend, now I push everyone away. I used to not care what people thought about my style, now I find myself dressing differently just so I dont have to hear those comments. People used to encourage me, Now they confront me. I used to pray for the strength to share gods word, now I pray for the strength to survive the next day. I hate this, I hate that people have to worry about me. I want to be the friend everyone ran to.

Ps. This weekend was very incredible. specially saturday night!
<3

school,

Is the death of me,
I am so overwhelmmed and upset with it. I have to put together a packet, write an assesment, and type my essayss, I have been working all weekend. I am just so sick of it all. and my anxiety has been HORRIBLE, and Im just done!

forgot

about my blogg. hhmmm, I have decided, I am so done with people ttryingg to fix my life for me and not letting me do it myself. They dont take into mind that I have feelings, that Im hurting, I dont know how to explain in., I just want to do it myself.


ughh!
What a joke!

hhhm.

Someone would tell me what to do with my life, friends, family. everything,. But of course its not that easy. I just want to be happy, I want to laugh and cry out of joy, I want to dance and sing with joy. not laugh at what I have become, cry myself to sleep. and sing and dance to distract myself. I just wish someone could tell me whats best for me. If letttting go is best or if caring is.


I just want someone to fix everything.

Im done being sad.


Straight from the space bulliten. haha to lazy to re write something.

hmm.

halloween......


what should I do?



tonight was a bust.

I dont blame you.

First off things are getting better, I fixed a friendship and I am going to let someone in my life to help, I cant do this alone. I realized that. I have taken two days off school to fix myself and so I don't have a mental breakdown. I am happy with how everything is working out with my friends, I am happy today. tonight is worship night at fusion, which means I am going to be in tears spilling my heart out.

I love the way things are looking, I love marissa lynn Kaul for being my everything <3
MLK.HCR.SBP.RPB.KMC.DJL.MHB.HJK.
<3

well,

Alot I really need to think and pray about, I am just lost and overwhelmed,
this was a great weeekend, cooked dinner with lovely meg, mar and Heather and then I had the boys over then a lovely venting conversation and sleepover with mar and meg. then beach (I slept on the beach for like an hour or two ) then fishy finds, dinner with heatheeer :]


Awww, I need a nap :]

incredible.

Today was literally one of the best days I have had in a while :]
I think its cause this is going to be the best weekend. I am so happy, I cant stop smiling :]
I literally cant!

tomorrow I am going to go to the store then meg and mar are coming over and cooking and baking and music and venting and then ryan danny and juan will join us for dinner!
then sleepover with meg and mar and beach in the morning :]

I cant wait for all of this, specially to bake for my kids tomorrow<3


lovelovelove today<3

I am having a weird day.

I have decided, Im not going to be sad, I miss the old me, I want her back.
Im going to dress how I want and wear my red lipstick and not care what anyone says, I am going to laugh loud and not care who makes fun of my laugh, Im going to smile and hope it makes others smile. Im going to bake and give it to those I love.

I miss that :]

So guys, Laugh alongside me, bake with me, join in, dress how YOU want, be happy.
screw what the world thinks.

<3

Horrible.

DAY!
I wish my negativity would go away. I am just literally so over it all. I just HATE school, I need my friends to be by my side again. I do have some great people by my side though, so maybe I should focus on that more than anything. that Marissa is the most incredible best friend in the whole world.

another good thing is that I love my poetry group at school and our scenery was AMAZING!
I gguess there are A LOT of good things happening, I just am feeling the negative ones.


I really think that my music is finally going to be done soon :] my music myspace of cover songs:] music is what makes me smile, its my passion. any ideas of cover songs to do?

Today.

Was a day to remember, it all started with my morning at the dentist (if you knew my life you would understand why it was so painful) But I DEF thought a lot and I'm glad to say, I'm going to pull through, for my friends. I had a bad night last night and I was forced to face reality and I'm glad to say I recovered and things are going to heal, not so quickly and perfectly but God has a way and hes using me to carry it out. I am reallly content with things at the moment. Im glad to say that eventually this will all work out, but in the mean time, Im working on it.
prayer :]

Realization,

I have come to the realization that its easier to say you're not going to care than actually putting it to action, I keep telling myself I wont care about those who hurt me but my heart wont let that happen. I have realized that my faith is the only stability I have anymore. I have realized I cry a lot, I also realize I am loud and obnoxious and I guess its to the point where I'm losing those I love.

I realized I am at my happiest when I'm baking, cleaning,babysitting, or entertaining my friends.
I love late nights of cooking quesdillas and sitting on my couch listening to Norah Jones :]
I have realized the important things.
I can survive what the world throws at me with the help of my faith, family, and friends.

I am going to make it :]