please

let me wake up tomorrow and this all be a dream.

anxiety.

I am so sick of my anxiety taking over my days. I also am sick of holding in my feelings and emotions because I am afraid to tell people. I have so many opinions but I will never tell you all.

ps. I hate this so bad.

latley.

I have been trying to joke about my life, making it seem like its all okay.
but Im bored, miserable, and lonely.


: (

Im really

scared.

honestly.

I just want you to be happy, and whatever it takes I am behind you, through the ups and downs with him, I am forever here, and though we may get annoyed, your happiness is very important to me, because seeing you sad hurts my heart, because I know its real. so whatever it takes for you to smile and be happy, im behind you the whole way.


I wish someone cared about me the way he does for you.
<3

scary.

How quickly this world will steer you away from what really matters. I let my "new" life change my heart, I put my faith on the backburner, and I regret it, because in the end it comes to heaven or hell. I dont want hell, and I dont care what anyone calls me, they can make fun of me for being christian, but in the end It doesnt matter.


I just want my faith to be my biggest priority again.
<3

Library.

Its become apparent that most of my time is spent at its a grind, and I find this hilarious.I honestly am either at its a grind, my house or heathers. I really am content though with the way things have been lately, Like honestly my best friend is the funniest person in the world and I am always laughing, and I'm becoming alot closer with some people and I cant explain my appreciation.


Basically things are good right now, as for tomorrow, hopefully Malibu with mommy and heather!

When you my face hope it gives you hell.

I just want to curl up and sleep till summer.
please and thank you<3

everyones right.

Im just a gossiping bitch.

hmm.

I no longer have respect for you, you have lost your chance, you are not the same person you used to be. funny how people change.

so I am sorry that I am jut expected to hurt you, but honestly I dont care anymore.

over it.

ps. I miss you <3

sit at home.

I just want to sit at home the next few days, Dont care enough to get out,
Unless I am at the beach, I have no reason to leave my house for the next week.


Um so I am really falling for you.
: /

for real.

I cant stop crying,
this wasnt supposed to happen, Please be okay, Im so sorry<3


ps. Talent show was a joke, so glad Im done with MHS.

I just want.

to hide under a rock, I feel so stupid!


ps. I am done with your contradicting words.

Oh washington!

today heather and I were at its a grind, Oh Of Course! Anyways we were talking about going to Washington, and you don't understand how much I love Washington, seeing my aunt is possibly the greatest thing to look forward to! Anyways after an eventful outing with mom dad and Delaney, Heather decides to casually ask my Mother what her plans for the summer are, we then proceeded to convince my mother to road trip with Heather, my Brother, and Myself! And as I sat there I got so excited as my mother seemed to ease into the idea, its as if shes really considering it. How incredible it would be to share Washington with my best friend, the late nights outside, bonfires, the walks, picking fruit, shoping in the city, FARMERS MARKETS! all of it, Washington is when Im happiest. If the roadtrip doesnt work, then hello plane, I dont care what it takes. I cant wait to walk around in the beautiful city, or walk with all the trees, the idea of lakes, bonfires and animals. its all so exciting! Lets hope it happens<3

Only you understand the reason I am listing to since youve been gone while writing this.

You are my best friend, I cant even describe how lost I am, I sit here daily just looking through pictures, messages and what not wondering how this happened. You were supposed to be my maid of honor, Now who will be? I cant imagine my wedding day without you, I cant imagine walking down the isle and searching for your face and it not being there. I cant imagine planning a wedding without you, I cant imagine having a family without you, who will come over, sip coffee and just stare at our kids and laugh at all the things they do. Who will I cry to? who will I laugh with? Who will I call at 3 in the morning to tell the good and bad news? I dont want to imagine going to coffee with anyone else, I don't want to imagine raising a family without you as my best friend, I cant imagine graduation,weekends, summer, or birthdays without you. I cant imagine my life without you, I miss you.In my future, you were the one person I always imagined being there, being my support and my best friend. I cant do this without you. who will hold my dress at my wedding when I pee, who will help me get ready? who will laugh so hard that they cant breathe? honestly, nobody can ever fill your shoes, and all the plans I have dont look as good, if your not there.



I miss you.


You're my person.

Honestly.

Talking down to me like I'm 12 years old and cant comprehend your words is really stupid, and to be completely honest with you, I lose respect for you when you talk down to me, so grow up and stop acting like you are so much greater than me.


and to you, I miss you a lot, and I don't know what the deal is or why you avoid us but honestly after everything, for you to give up now, it breaks my heart<3

laying in bed.

is my newest hobby.

wont be getting out of it anytime soon.
im sorry I ruined it all.
I hope you're happy.

I'm

Way Ahead of You.

tomorrow night should be interesting, Im finally choosing to let go.
I just want to talk to you again, as if nothing ever happened.

some kinda of wonderful.

Phenomenon this is.

Its really weird not having you by my side anymore. So today I was talking to my mom and I told her how I hate moorpark and I feel so trapped here, then my mommy told me that I can get my permit, so soon I will be driving, away from here, getting a job, and just me, my car and music. Nobody needs to accompany me, because I am learning independence is key here, and my mother said that we might be able to move, she originally said she was only staying here until her children finished high school, but since I wouldn't mind moving, it shall be a possibility. I sure hope so : )

things are changing, I wish you were here to experience them with me <3

But I had a gift card.

What a great reason to shop.
I saw the movie shopaholic, the whole time she described how shopping felt I agreed, oh what a marvelous rush, after the movie I decided oh well, I wont shop as much, then right when the movie ended, I went to target and got a dress and shirts, umm, but I had a giftcard! And Now Im shopping online, God put those stores there for our enjoyment, so this is my way of enjoying life!

Hooray for shopping, Now I just need a job, suggestions?

Valentines.

I ALWAYS hated valentines, and this morning I woke up bitter towards the day, but the remembered that I had plans to go to coffee with shannon, who might be one of my favorite people! I sat there looking around just thinking to myself, I wish I had a boy, at that moment I got a text message from a good friend of mine, and I realized, that valentines isnt about boyfriends and roses and chocolate, to me valentines is a symbol of the friends I have, the love of these people that keep me going day to day! This is a day for me to bake for the people I love and Have an exscuse to tell everyone how much I adore them! I can honestly say, I love valentines day! I love the friends I spend it with, for once, Im not completley disgusted by valentines, Im happy with it<3

to those who get me through my trials, lovelovelove<3

Happy Valentines girl, I hope its wonderful!

For Valentines.

I just want a best friend.

I hope everything works out for the best<3

Dearest Larry Lohan,

Lets team up, Between the two of us, I think we can ruin lives.
Im in on the gossip, its my hobby!

music.

I was thinking tonight as I sat there watching american idol. I was thinking how much I just want to sing forever, how much I want that to be my life, to just be passionate, And I want it so bad, I will go anywhere, as long as I can sing and play music, because its my security. its what gets me through, how awesome would life be if I could do what I loved? american idol, i might be coming!


I want this.

wonderful mood!

I have realized tonight, I am to quick to judge, tonight I had some wonderful conversations with people I had never considered to be worth my time, my eyes were opened to new friendships, and I cant describe how good it feels! there are alot of wonderful people out there, and Im going to take the time to get to know them!

It seems

That I havent been in much of the blogging mood latley.one thought that remains constant on my mind is summer! Oh boy do I miss it! I really miss the sun on my face and the sand on my skin! I miss the ocean, I miss laying in the grass in the park with a breeze hitting my shoulders, I miss no makeup, sun dresses and ponytails!I miss constant friend time and no school, being able to stay out all night, the bonfires, I miss waking up to a day ahead of me, with no plans, just the freedom of summer! I love summer adventures with days in ventura and santa monica! I miss concerts, and dinner partiess! I miss trips to the beach at night! I miss late nights of venting, gossip and guitars, sining, laying under the stars and just being with my friends! I cant describe how incredible last summer was, lets hope this one is even better! Hooray for summer, Hooray!Hooray!

well today I officially failed my nutrition final! haaha. I guess I should pay attention in my classes instead of sitting in the back with heather laughing! and right now Im watiing to go to lalos, so im attempting my math homework as I wait! anyways, I am really lucky to have the feww friends I have left, Im very excited for the next few weeks! and Im looking for a job! something to occupy my day!

<3

new life.

I feel like this is the start of a new life, without you, trust me, I don't think this is for the better. I don't think I'm happy with this decision. I don't think I'm going to stop crying anytime soon! I don't know how to accept that were done, you were always there, in the 17 years of my life you have been my greatest memory. you were there through every death, birth, weddings, breakups, everything in my life! the laughter, the tears, the fighting, the dancing, the jokes, the vacations, everything, truth is I was always happiest with you. but then things changed, we fought more than ever, the fights weren't out of annoyance, the words became harsher, and we fought to hurt each other. we fought to break each other down and make a point. it hurt, and I pulled away, I stopped talking to you, we stopped sharing our problems, the fights continued and we had new friends, a bad one happened, my life was a disaster, I didn't know who to run to, with good and bad news, and now I have to start over, I have to make new friends, find someone else to celebrate with, find someone else to cry with, I have to start over, and god am I terrified, I'm crying right now, as I'm putting the past to rest, remembering the good, and crying over our future, because this is the hardest thing to face. Its hard to say goodbye to you.because as much as you refuse to believe it, you were always the most important friend to me, deep down, you were always first, but now were done and I'm starting fresh, and I don't want to, not one bit, I don't want to say goodbye to you and everything we built. this is like the worst breakup I will go through. because saying goodbye to you is saying goodbye to my other half, so I wish you all the best, so heres to you, and your new life.


goodbye<3

Realizations about Heather and I.

1. were sassy.
2. were flirts.
3. we gossip.
4. were bitches.
5. we have great style.
6. we have a few cool friends.
7. we don't always tolerate people.
8. were legitimately funny.

way to many more. but these are the key ones.

its painful.

To see you like this, to see you so broken. You were always my strongest role model, I cant explain how much I love you, Im an emotional wreck without you, Please get better, we miss you so much<3


Im hoping for the best, Lets be optimistic here! I want you to be happy again!

<3

can someone

please explain everything to me, can someone fix everything,can someone be my best friend?

hahahaah.

only my life!


off to bed, not sure what to do with myself so I will sleep.

dream life.

once a project, now a blog!

The assignment was as easy as this, write my ideal life. I thought to myself this is going to be an easy A, I can make everything exactly how I want it, perfect. Reality is life if nothing remotely close to perfection. Why would I lie to myself and pretend that life is perfect when in reality it is not. Life can be incredible, but never perfect. In this “dream” life I dream of being married young, and being in the prime of my life. I want it to be like Cinderella where my night in shining armor comes along and sweeps me off my feet. I would meet the man I would spend my life with. He would be an unimaginable person with a great smile that made me weak in the knees, and a musician who had so much passion for the words he sang and the chords he played. I would look into his eyes and know I would be happy forever. He would look at me with the same passion that I saw my Grandparents look at each other with. I would get butterflies every time I saw him, the same butterflies my aunt still gets with my uncle. It would be the love you see in movies but my own love story. Then comes our wedding, a simple and intimate wedding with the people that mean the most to us. It would be in a quaint chapel, the chapel that a child dreams about. A little white chapel with stain glass windows. Our reception would be loud and exciting with lots of dancing and celebrating. Our honeymoon would be very low key but all about us. It would not be about sights we see or the things we collect, but the memories and pictures and the laughter and love we share. Obviously, we would fight, but as I said previously life is not perfect. We would find a small house just outside the city. It would be a neighborhood ideal for a family. In the early stages he would surprise me with the perfect gift, an open space that he bought for my bakery. My bakery took up most of my time, but there was always time for my husband. Then we were blessed with our first child, our son. Life seemed as if it could not get any better. I was in love with the man of my dreams and had a beautiful son. That’s when our second blessing came into this world, our daughter. From that point on God blessed us with 2 more incredible girls. This was my dream as a child. A beautiful wedding, the perfect family and my own bakery.

didnt have the end saved. this is it so far.

today,

I got my 3rd whole pierced, I dont know what it is about the rain, It frees my mind of everything and I feel like a child again, Maybe its because most of my childhood was spent outside, so dancing and walking in the rain, reminds me of it all! anyways! I love my earing, and I cant exxplain how much one letter can do for a person.


lovelovelove.
I want my blog posts to be more optimistic. : )

I've come to the conclusion.

I'm a terrible friend.

i cant.

do this. I cant believe what I have let myself do to my life, I cheated myself out of highschool and At first I just thought it was good, but now I miss it terribly, I sat in chorus today and watched everyone laughing and thought I wish I actually liked highschool, I wish I was back there, and everyone tells me I can still go back, but I cant, as much as I want to love it, I never will sincerely like highschool. I will never be happy until Im done. I just feel like latley I have no control over my life, My friends seem limited and very short with me, the people I once thought were strong are struggling and I dont know what to make of it. I dont know how to be strong when there hurting so bad, I just want to fix everyone, I dont know how to pretend I'm happy and just smile and act like everything is fine and dandy, I dont know how to be the friend I once was, I feel hopeless in helping them, I feel like alot is on my plate and I dont know how to look at the good and not dwell on the bad, I want to badly to look at the positive and say screw you to the negative but I feel incapable of brushing it off my shoulders, I feel incapapble of not letting my shit beat me down. I feel as if I am more alone that ever, I miss my brother more and more everyday, I hate unlocking the front door to an empt house, my parents are always working, and I rely on friends to make everything feel less lonely, I hate not having my brother to talk to, because of him being gone, I hold all the feelings I have towards my family inside me and its tearing me apart, I hate being home alone, and them telling me Im not good enoguh, I just want to say to them " you're never here, so why does it matter, you're not here to see me" but I never will, I will never tell them how I really feel, I have messed things up to much, I just want to scream, I want to yell at the top of my lungs, I want to go a day without confrontations in any sense, I want to smile and laugh and see my friends, I want to have the best friend feeling back, I dont want to "settle", I want to have goals and dreams, I dont want to doubt everyone and expect little, I want to be encouraged instead of beat down, I just want to be happy, I just want that. No more anxiety, crying, late nights up thinking, yelling and snapping at my friends, I want to smile and laugh and drive around singing at the top of my lungs, I want to go to the flower fields and take pictures, I want to go to the pool or take trips to the beach, I want to run with the sun on me and feelings a sense of peace, I want to picnic in the park or just lay under the tree in my backyard, I want to wear sundresses, no makeup and summer hair : ) I want to go on houseboats and just lay under the stars and be at peace, no cell phones, no drama, just me and the people that matter.

Oh how I want to be happy, If only it was as easy as wishing.

everything.

you are the greatest friend to me and you dont even know how much I appriciate you, You have not once ever given up on me, I know we fight, I know we bicker and I know were not always perfect, but you're so incredible. I wish people would see how amazing you are and realize that you're probably the greatest friend they could ever have, I know you dont like to share your feelings and I respect that, but you know I am always here to listen, because no matter what I say, I love you.

<3

change.

For the first time in all my life, I want a huge change, I want something that changes my life, I want to move away, and start fresh!


I want you to be happy<3

why?

is everyone in love with you? Why? Really irritating to me!
I am still sick and I cant get rid of my dumb cough, and whenever Im sick I have dreams that I hate, Oh how Im ready for those dreams of my past to go away.

I

give up trying to matter to you, because I never will matter like I want to.
I will never be apart of your life like I once was, and I hate that. You still matter to me, but to you Im just a girl, Im no longer a friend to you, I hope you beat all this and come out on top. I will always be willing to be a friend, I love you!

please.

help me!
I dont know what to do anymore, I feel like Im losing control of my life! I feel like you don't want anything to do with me anymore. I am sick of feeling things, I just want to be numb to everyone, I want to pack up and leave moorpark behind, I dont want to feel anything painful anymore. I just am going to start screaming and punching people and just not have any patience, because its not worth it anymore.


uggh! Help me! Please help me again! I miss you!

i hate this.

I hate that this is following me around. I want to be rid of this. I want to be free. I dont want it to ruin my days, I dont want to get confronted on it. I dont want to cry about it, I dont want it to control me ANYMORE! I want to feel free, I need to escape this! Why am I so bored! Why did things turn out this way? why cant I just be "normal"? Why does this follow me, I just cant do this anymore.


I cant, please help me, I want your help so bad!

well.

I dont know what to do with my life, I am so bored! I just sit around and do school, blog, go on facebook, go on runs, and bake and sing! I need a job or something, or more friends, cause all I do is sit around! I hate this! I wish it was summer! I wish I could run away from moorpark for a few weeks and just leave everything behind, live with no worries. Oh how happy summer makes me! I want to be in hawaii! just realxing on the beach and adventuring and shopping! Oh what I would give to pack up and leave moorpark behind. the idea seems like the greatest thing to me! Oh hawaii! I need to see you<3

i wish.

I knew how it felt to be happy with everything I haave, to not have a feeling in my gut that I'm miserable.

I can only wish anymore.

party.

so I was totally nervous about my party, thinking that everyone was going to cancel and that it would be very dull. I kept getting anxious. thinking what if nobody has fun? but then as everyone started to show up , I felt my anxiety lessen, It was SO good to see the friends I missed. to hug everyone and feel the love! To feel like it was all going to be good! I loveloveloved everyone that came. It was really good having the guitars and singing outside! and having everyone just laughing and dancing and smiling. Nothing negative mattered, and there was no drama. For one night everything was okay! and I got to see all my friends! I was so happy last night, then the night ended with allie, kellen, ray, heather, sean, dylan and I just sitting around talking, dancing, being creepy and me being classy in my sweats! Oh what a night to remember.

<3