i cant.

do this. I cant believe what I have let myself do to my life, I cheated myself out of highschool and At first I just thought it was good, but now I miss it terribly, I sat in chorus today and watched everyone laughing and thought I wish I actually liked highschool, I wish I was back there, and everyone tells me I can still go back, but I cant, as much as I want to love it, I never will sincerely like highschool. I will never be happy until Im done. I just feel like latley I have no control over my life, My friends seem limited and very short with me, the people I once thought were strong are struggling and I dont know what to make of it. I dont know how to be strong when there hurting so bad, I just want to fix everyone, I dont know how to pretend I'm happy and just smile and act like everything is fine and dandy, I dont know how to be the friend I once was, I feel hopeless in helping them, I feel like alot is on my plate and I dont know how to look at the good and not dwell on the bad, I want to badly to look at the positive and say screw you to the negative but I feel incapable of brushing it off my shoulders, I feel incapapble of not letting my shit beat me down. I feel as if I am more alone that ever, I miss my brother more and more everyday, I hate unlocking the front door to an empt house, my parents are always working, and I rely on friends to make everything feel less lonely, I hate not having my brother to talk to, because of him being gone, I hold all the feelings I have towards my family inside me and its tearing me apart, I hate being home alone, and them telling me Im not good enoguh, I just want to say to them " you're never here, so why does it matter, you're not here to see me" but I never will, I will never tell them how I really feel, I have messed things up to much, I just want to scream, I want to yell at the top of my lungs, I want to go a day without confrontations in any sense, I want to smile and laugh and see my friends, I want to have the best friend feeling back, I dont want to "settle", I want to have goals and dreams, I dont want to doubt everyone and expect little, I want to be encouraged instead of beat down, I just want to be happy, I just want that. No more anxiety, crying, late nights up thinking, yelling and snapping at my friends, I want to smile and laugh and drive around singing at the top of my lungs, I want to go to the flower fields and take pictures, I want to go to the pool or take trips to the beach, I want to run with the sun on me and feelings a sense of peace, I want to picnic in the park or just lay under the tree in my backyard, I want to wear sundresses, no makeup and summer hair : ) I want to go on houseboats and just lay under the stars and be at peace, no cell phones, no drama, just me and the people that matter.

Oh how I want to be happy, If only it was as easy as wishing.