i cant stop crying, and my anxiety will be my death.

I justt neeed to point out the fact that I am really blessed by my best friend, she is the greatest and we are so much alike as we figured that out last night.

i really miss you.

im sorry for all the lies I have fed you all over the years, I admitt today that I have a problem. but all I do know anymore is that I dont want to let the past determine the future. I dont want to lose any of you, because I am willing to do anything to regain that trust, regardless of how long it takes. I know you deserve more from me, so I am going to give it you.

the only thing that seems to cure my feeling of being alone is the fact that I get to buy important people in my life wonderful christmas presents!

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?itemdescription=true&itemCount=60&startValue=1&selectedProductColor=&sortby=&id=17721101&parentid=SALE_W_ACC&sortProperties=+subCategoryPosition

this purse is my newest obsession!

im so close to giving up on you, I have never felt this way about a person. Im so sorry for even thinking about it.

thank you, and im sorry for the past blogs.

I never asked you to care for me, so you are more than welcome too but remember that it is your will.....

ps. I didnt except this morning to happen, my mood is so bittersweet, I cant explain.

im thankful I guess you could say, but truth is not for much, just the select few friends I have and my mother.

when will I stop missing you? I feel pathetic.

i just wish you would be honest with me.

funny how my drinking completely put tension on our friendship.

you say satan has a really strong hold on me, how do you know?

on may 3rd at 8:56 you wrote on my facebook wall "GET A JOB AND EAT AN ORANGE!" so here I am 6 months later and I have one, and I ate an orange tonight.

I am just realizing more and more that its painful to get out of bed, out of my security. To put on my brave face and try and face everryone. I am so alone, and I want someone to talk to. I want a best friend like I had with you.

fuck you, fuck you, fuck you and all of it.

he says you miss me and still care, that if I were to get seriously injured or be diagnosed with a terrible illness that you would come see me, would you? I dont believe it. I wish it was true.

if only you understood me and the crimes I have commited against God, myself and everyone. If only you didnt drive to my house at 11 30 to prove your love, I cant acceppt your love. I am incapable, so please just stop getting frustrated when I dont let you in, when I lie to your face, because I will, thats how I guard my heart. so this is me, love me if you want, but I never asked you to.

what happens when you stop wanting to be what defined you for so long, when you just want to walk away from it all and start over?

what scares me is that you might not love me as much after that shenanigan last night. Im sorry, you are worth it and I will fight for you.

Im scared of this, Im not sure how to win or help you....what do I do?

when will I stop letting you hurt me?

im done trying to prove to everyone I have changed, or that my faith is my main priority, Andrew told me I dont have to prove anything to anyone, so I wont. I am trying not to talk negatively about you, but I admitt its hard, Its my way of covering up my hurt, but from here on out, I am just going to worry about me and the few people I love.

so basically I am so done with the future conversation, it just breaks me down and puts me in tears everytime. regardless of if I am at home or in person, So annoyed.

its wierd that all my battles have been internal lately, things I am facing within myself. Its so nice not having any fights with anyone, no conflict. Because now I dont need to worry about hurting anyone, and with problems within its all on me and I can fizx this. I can

Shannon Weller.

If only you realized how incredible you are. If only you realized how beautiful you are. If only you realized how much you changed my life. You are an outstanding person.

just so you know... I have completely started resenting you. I no longer want anything to do with you. I have become so bitter towards you.

it seems as if I have completely lost sight of who I am.....

LARRY LOHAN....

where have you gone?

how did I fall you for you this fast? You are always on my mind.

heres my new goal:
record my days, the good the bad the funny! my adventures, things I notice. Friends. then one day put it all together and have this wonderful memory.

:)

Why is it so hard to ask for help? can somebody please explain to me why its so easy to just hold things in, but its so hard to ask for someone to listen to your burdens, why is it so scary to be vulnerable? Why is it so easy to ask someone to hang out? but we cant admit that we need help, we just have gotten so accustomed to saying everything is fine, when in reality were screaming inside, begging for someone to help us.

why are we so afraid?

the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, I didnt want to tear you down, why dont you see? Hands down you are my most important friend, I dont want anyone more than you. I feel so safe with you. I love you.


you are my person.

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

I know you hate the mushy stuff.

Dearest Shmeath,
as I write you this I cant contain the smile on my face :) You are amazing, I cant imagine anyone else I would rather call a best friend. You are so patient, honest, beautiful, laid back, silly, and compassionate, you have stuck by the sides of many people through the good and bad, You got me through all the trials I created for myself. You are not afraid to be honest, but I know its all because you care. I know I annoy you sometimes and we bicker and snap, but I honestly am so lucky to have you. You never seize to amaze me.

You have made your way into my familys hearts. Not only does my mother explain to everyone that you are her daughter as well, my own father, the same grumpy one who cant stand us never fails to acceeppt you are part of my family, and same with Taylor. My granga and aunts and uncles all expect you around. My mother cares about you more than any friend I have ever had, she always asks about you when she hasnt seen you for 2 days, she always tells everyone about you. I hope you know that you will always be welcome here.

You have changed me more than any friend I have ever had. You are the strongest person and you have taught me how to stand up for myself, take criticism, and how to stay strong and love who I am. You teach me lessons daily. I love driving with you, singing, sunglasses, dresses, sunshine, beach days, the pool, driving for no reason, all the food places we expierience, making modeling videos and moshing. I simply adore you, You will always be the friend who has put a mark on my heart. I love you so much!

Love,
Daws

someone come, someone come and save my life
maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
but now it's like the night is taking sides
and all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
could it be this misery will suffice?

I want someone to text when I am doubting myself, someone who will tell me I have a purpose, my own person to make me realize that it will be okay. I wish I wish I wish.


Can I just get married and be a wife and mother yet?

I have to say city and colour is probably my newest thinking music....ha. I have this cd on repeat and It seems that the lyrics of this and of course Damien rice have caused me to just sit her and question everything. Not doubt, but question. Whats my style? who are my friends? where will I end up? Will I pass highschool? Will I get married? Can I just escape it all? Whats my personality? I am not sure if this is a good thing, Who am I? How did I end up losing myself? Is it possible to lose yourself? Will I just be a memory over time? Will I fall through the cracks? I just want the answers, I just want the old me back. Where I could stand up for myself, where I knew who I was.


where did she go?

this wont make sense to anyone, but highschool at the college taught me so much about myself, I was so grounded, I knew who I was, now Im losing that sense of confidence, and Im searching. you always knew how to show me who I was, now the question is, who is Natalie Dawson?

i have done so much, given so much, and wasted so much for you, but you still remain to treat me like shit. it doesnt get easier being rejected and teased by you. starting now i am done trying to help you, Your brought this upon yourself.

today was an epic fail.

I want to like you so badly, I want to respect you, I want to feel comfortable with you, I want to talk to you, I want to be your friend, but you're making it impossible. I dont want anything to do with you.... is this terrible of me?



and also, today made me want to move out so bad, It needs to happen.

I will Never Forget.....

I will Never Forget.....

I will never forget:

-the night we drove to the beach at 3 in the morning and I have never felt so safe in my life. i layed my seat back and you just drove and there was music, upon arriving to the beach we walked the pier and i looked over and saw my best friend walking by my side, I will never forget how much I smiled that night.

- the day I went with my girls to the beach and “my life would suck without you” came on, i looked in the mirror to see my best friend singing at me and i just smiled and tears rolled down my face,I will never forget my realization of how blessed I am.

- the first time we hung out with you, you suprised me by coming to its a grind, then you put us in your car and we drove for hours, just adventuring, going to the most wonderful hidden places, I will never forget how much I enjoyed your company.

- those wonderful late night conversations about life and we just talked for hours, not once waas the conversation dull, I will never forget the unconditional love you gave me.

- all the nights you came over, i would hear your car, i would come out front and get you, then you would come in and I would feed you and you would lay there and we lit the cinnamon roll candle and turned on norah jones, I will never forget how calm I felt.

-when mom told you how sad I was and you wrote me a letter telling me how proud you were and how much you loved me, I will never forget how proud I was to call you my brother.

- the night you got locked out and you ran over panting and as hard as i tried i couldnt stop laughing, we laughed so hard that night, I will never forget hearing you whisper outside the door.

- the day when i told you i lost my best friend and you put me in the car and you let me cry while you drove me to LA and you told me to pick whatever i wanted and we shopped for hours and you took me to dinner, I will never forget how much that helped me.

- the day i texted you asking you when you would be home because i needed to get out of moorpark and i heard you honk, you were in the car waiting to drive me wherever my heart desired, I will never forget the memories of our car rides.

- when you put sprinkles cupcakes on my door and a little note with a simple heart, I will never forget how much that little heart and gesture meant to me.

-laying with you on top of the houseboat just looking at the stars and you told me you couldn't ask for a better best friend and you just held my hand. I will never forget the good with you.

-sitting with you in the back of class just taking pictures and you always gave me advice and hugs, I will never forget how you always knew how to make everything better.

- the drive home from studio city, music blasting, sunroof and windows open, sunglasses and sundresses on, hair going wild and singing with everything we had, love songs and then guitar solos, I will never forget how lucky I am to call you my best friend.

- the many times you called me just to give me advice, regardless of what you were doing, you always knew how to help me, I will never forget how much you encouraged me in my faith.

Iwillneverneverneverforget.

Im afraid that if I leave moorpark, I will realize how happy I am to be away and I will never want to come back, and I will never make the effort to return, therefor losing touch with everyone from my childhood, that or I will leave and realize how much I miss mooorpark, realize how good my life was.

I am thinking the first one. trippy to think I wont be living here forever.

crushingcrushingcrushing.

today is the day my eyes were truly opened to your glory and how incredible you are, I am so glad to have my faith back, I am finally learning to like myself.

Avacadoss

Sometimes I cant even describe how funny my life is....
This morning after a good sleep I was craving avacados and I simply asked my father to head over to our friend ralphs so he could pick a few from the ranch, I head out for the day and later pull up with marissa and heather and my dad is holding about 5 avacados, In excitment I jump out of the car and look in the trunk to see a good trunk full of avacados. I look at heather and we just laugh, later on were unloading the trunk and a full target back for heather and it breaks and we are chasing after them, then after 3 buckets inside we finally have them in and then take about 15 to marissas and I pawned like 20 on heather, A rough estimate in the end, there were around 125 avacados. too funny to describe!

Today couldnt have been any more wonderful. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up with a best friend like you. You stuck by my side through it all, and I am so blessed. It is always wonderful to drive with you, music blasting, us singing loud and dancing, being so silly! Windows down. sunshine on our faces, dresses, sunglasses and wind in our hair. Talking about everything, I dont think it gets much better than this. I am so incredibly blessed, and I cant thank you enough for being so stable in my life, I cant wait for many more adventures with you.


<3

I am so happy that you finally found someone who makes you this happy, You deserve the world, your an incredible friend and I cant describe how wonderful it is to see you smiling and laughing and just glowing. Your so wonderful, the most incredible friend anyone could ever ask for. I admire you so much. 

<3

I didnt expect this of myself. hmm?

I feel like getting up and starting my day that early really helped, and just being with fusion people and like starting my day off with God, really helped me.

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.
please stop.

Poland

Poland and those two weeks are always in the back of my mind, but some days the longing to be there is stronger than normal and on those days I just close my eyes and cry and just pretend im back there. Because for those two weeks, nothing back here mattered, all that mattered was spreading Gods glory and Love over this incredible country. I always feel like Im going to wake up and realize it was a dream, the whole bonding experience leading up to the trip was incredible, all the bonding trips. meetings, bonfires and everything, it was pure bliss, the bonfires, the pool parties, the hikes, santa monica, I had a family to always depend on. the bonfires, the car rides there, freezing and just cuddeling under the stars just laying and singing, the food, the laughter, everything was wonderful. Its like I never doubted that I had at least 10 people to count on, its like we were inseperable. I remember getting at the parking lot at like 4 in the morning we were all so anxious, all the mothers just sitting there trying to prepare us, as we got on the fligth my stomach was in butterflies, I was so excited, the flight was long and miserable and once we got there I just remember being on cloud 9. the time there was incredible, I just remember little bits and pieces, dancing in the rain, just sneaking onto myspace or to email our parents, just sitting in front of the snack bar and talking, all the wonderful foods and the kaktus juice, I remember sneaking around to get out of our cabin, all the friends we made, the things they somehow got us to say, just watching them play games, the sand in my toes on the beach, the pictures the laughing. Now I look back and cry because I long to be back there, to be in that bliss. We all continued to talk once returning, but it seems as if now we all have drifted, some of us still hang out, and some are gone, college, jobs, its like what once was my family im slowly losing it all and it scares me, looking back on it all just makes me wish I still was friends with everyone and we all were back there, specially the nights in krakow, we had the time of our life. I wish it didnt end, I miss it so bad. and I really miss you, having you be my other half, shame that reality kicked in, I miss you.

i could blog about this for hours.

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love


Lovelovelove!

weCANdothisweCANdothisweCANdothis.

sometimes I just wish that I could be there for you, like you were for me when I was down, im finding it really hard to keep my head up for you. But you deserve it.

ps. I might move! hello world!
<3

I hate this feeling, its in the pit of my stomach.

You are the biggest Hypocrite I have ever met, sad thing is you pretend that your so wonderful. Stop the lying and the acting, its getting old. Its honestly turning me away slowly.

icantdothisicantdothisicantdothis.

I am so sorry that you are hurting this much, I cant find the words to describe how much that phonecall broke my heart, you mean the world to me, you are my biggest role model. Please dont ever think you have dissapointed me, I admire you more than anybody and I will always love you. You are beautiful, smart, funny, strong and intelligent. you are someone I have always looked up to. you have saved me and I feel so helpess just sitting her watching you struggle. your in every prayer, your on my mind all the time, and I am not letting go of this untill I have you back, because my life has been shit without you. I feel more alone than ever, your practically my mother, you took care of me when nobody else wanted to, life without you is so boring and sad. please pull through, cause its eating away at me. I want nothing but the best for you. You are strong, I know you can do this.

I am so sick of my education being the main topic of discussion, its like people don't ever ask me what I want, instead they just voice there opinions. How do you know what I feel about certain things, Maybe if you took the time to understand me, you would know why I want to take my GED. Because honestly, I have this life planned, but nobody wants to know it, because everyone is worried that I don't know whats best, But I guess I am just stupid, and have nothing going for me, great.


so fantastic.

Sometimes its hard to be strong, I just want to be vunerable, but I find it impossible. I will always have my guard up, even with you.

for the first time, I dont how to deal with this.

today I woke up early and found myself just laying in the backyard with the sun on my face. I then continued to think of summer, how amazing it will be, adventures of driving, photogrpahy and music, pure bliss on the beach, summer dresses, no shoes, hair wild and no makeup, sunshine on my face and my shoulders. Vacations, sleepovers, camping, hiking. Everything sounds so wonderful.

why cant it be summer yet!

It just keeps getting harder.

I wish I wsh I wish

heres my selfish rant of everything I wish:
I wish I didnt like you this much.
I wish your words didnt hurt more than anyones.
I wish I could be in Poland again, or travel the world.
I wish you werent sad anymore.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish "it" didnt consume my life for so long.
I wish I never had to fall for you and watch you be with her.
I wish I could be the stability you long for.
I wish it didnt scare me to let you care.
I wish you were happy.
I wish I was happy.
I wish I could drive.
I wish I didnt have to depend on anyone.
I wish I was married with children.
I wish you and him happiness.
I wish I could see that look on your face when I sang.
I wish I could hug you one more time.
I wish you could still play the guitar while I fell asleep.
I wish I could change my last words.
I wish you knew how much we all cared.
I wish I could fix that feeling of brokeness you feel.
I wish I could make all your problems dissapear for a day.
I wish you could see me now.
I wish you were here to set me straight.
I wish I never became addicted to it.
I wish I could play the piano.
I wish everyone was hapiness.
I wish you were financially stable.
I wish Berkeley was closer.
I wish I could see you, hug you, and hear you.
I wish I could sew.
I wish I was smarter.
I wish I wasnt so selfish.

I wish I wish I wish.

stupid rant.

I have so much on my mind, and its like this feeling that I cant escape my thoughts.
It seems as for a while I had the ability to stand up for myself, and I was so proud of myself. Im losing that. I let you walk all over me and I just sit there, I let you make fun of me, call me out, ignore me and all that, but now Im just afraid to stand up for myself. and I am so afraid of losing you, so I take it, but it really is starting to hurt.

another thing that really annoys me lately is the need for everyone to tease me because Im not the most intelligent. I honestly am not like downright stupid. Im just a silly person, so half of the time Im not serious. But I know have fun, and I think that my skills will get me through life, rather than being booksmart. I have alot going for me, I dont have to have 4.5 just to have a good enough future.


and I keep thinking this will get easier. but each day it gets worse and worse.

Today was just wonderful as I got up and attended coffee, then I adventured over to simi and enjoyed wonderful time with wonderful friends, lots of laughing, climbing, singing, skipping and pictures. sometimes I think my life cannot get any better, Why do I ever complain. I have it so good, and the few friends I do have are incredible!

<3

Gossip.

It has been pointed out latley by friends, stupid facebook tagging pictures, and whatnot. I need to stop gossiping, I dont want to wake up one day and realize I ruined people with my gossip. What I thought was harmless talk, is already hurting people I care about. I used to just shut people out when they confronted me on it, untill I started realizing what it was doing to the people I love. I hate that it has this control on my life. I dont want to wake up in 15 years and be that mother that still gossips, I dont want to hurt anyone, I tried to convince myself I was helping. I cant lose friends anymore. I need to stop. I hate when people gossip about me, what makes me any different than them, I guess it was my way of escaping everything. but I need to stop, cause its ridiculous and stupid.

Gossip hurts people. even harmless words still hurt because it makes you wonder what else you say. I dont want this reputation anymore.

seeing you hurt this bad is truly breaking my heart in half. I have this sense of guilt in the pit of my stomach because I feel like Im not being the bestfriend you deserve right now, and you know Im here, I adore you more than any person in the world. and I cant take seeing you cry anymore, its hard to watch, its like someone taking away half of me.


please be happy.
I will do anything for you, dont forget it.

peculiar.

its like Im so happy, but I keep letting my mind wander and thinking where things went wrong with you. Im so sorry for what I did, I still cherish you.

Letting myself fall for you is just setting myself up for heartbreak and tears.

:(

Hello World.

Everything and everyone is changing, and were all slowly losing a say in eachothers life. I feel like everyone has stopped trying to help each other because society has made it so easy to isolate yourself and not need to depend on anyone, we can hide behind our computer screens and just fake an emotion that isn't necessarily ours, its become so easy to just say that we are "good" or "okay", because behind this huge screen nobody can really see the emotion. Its become easier to lie to your friends, stir up fights because we become more confident in these indirect confrontations. Its become easier to cheat ourselves out of actual human interaction. What happened to hanging out with people, getting lunch to catch up, now we can just text, and communicate using either email, facebook, myspace and many other ways, We dont even have to pick up a phone and dial a number. Its become easier to isolate yourself, were losing compassion, instead of baking something or going to visit someone, you can send an e card or whatnot, I just think the world is become this place where there is no need for anyone but yourself. I miss compassion, I miss being young, playing with your friends, when lieing harder, meaning we were more honest, I miss before technology took over our lives.

maybe its just me.

scary.

Its scary to open my heart up to anyone anymore. Like that sense of vulnerability is now looked down upon, because society makes it out so we have to be these strong individuals. I feel like accepting help its looked at as failing on your own. I think society has put this pressure on me to make it look like Im so put together, because you look at the tabloids and you see these stars falling apart and weak and hurting and they are targeted for gossip. So I have tried to pretend things are great at times so that people wont talk about me, but fuck, if they are talking at least they know my name, I want to let people help me when I need it. and I am no longer afraid to be vunerable. because honestly I have given up trying to impress everyone, I dont have my shit together AT ALL. and I wont pretend I do. because we are human, and God loves me regardless of my imperfections, and I cant love the World and God, so I choose God. Because no matter how many times I mess up, God isnt leaving, friends will. I dont trust people. But he is forever, and I know that people always look down at christianity, but I no longer am embarrassed that I am christian, Because honestly choosing to be a christian was the best decicsion I have ever made.


so I will no logner fear anything, because God is on my side, just like he always has been, I guuess it takes hurt to see that.


Genuine faith endures trials.

you

make me so happy, even when Im having a terrible day, my face lights up when your around.
you always make me smile, you always know what to say. I get comfort in knowing your there.


crussshing.



its kinda scary.

fucking.

sick of pretending that I dont care,
stop putting me down, stop treating me like Im 12, I am not a child. You are so contradicting, you fucking hurt my feelings all the time, and I pretend that I am okay but I am not, your never around, and when you are you act like you have some power over me, until you stop being a hypocrite and stop contradicting yourself, I refuse to be nice to you.


so fucking over it. bullshit.

Larry Lohan.

Honestly. I have no idea why everyone is making such a huge deal. the gossip is harmless, and its all stuff you would have found out anyways, larry lohan is just the first person to actaully share the gossip, and since we are clueless to who he is it makes everyone mad. if your best friend was the genius behind larry, im sure it wouldnt bother you. its honestly not a big deal, and to people telling there parents, thats just lame, he isnt a threat, larry is just an anoymous blogger with balls. at least hes doing something, i wish I was larry lohan, hes a smartie.

watch out kids, larrys coming for you!

To Marissa:

Dearest Marissa,
You have to be the most incredible best friend I could ever ask for. I dont know how I survive during our fights, its like my other/better half is missing. You have been through everything with me. I cant even describe it. You have seen every stage of my changing, and you have seen every crush, heartbreak, fights with friends. We have gone through so much good, yet held hands through the bad. we always have eachothers backs. We are going to go through life laughing and holding hands along the way, I refuse to walk down the asile unless your my maid of honor, you have to hold my dress while I pee, make a toast and tell everyone how funny we are, I want you to sit with me while we just ramble on about our children, get coffee together, raise our kids together, and just enjoy life. we will be by eachothers sides.

Now Im going to get sentimental, when we fight, I lose a part of me, I forget how to function, Its like a breakup, I just cry, sleep and pick at food or stuff my face. I become short with everyone, and look through pictures and sulk. and then when I see you as fusion or something, I usually break down, then when I hear that your sad I immeditaley just worry, I try to get everyone to help you. I hate seeing you sad, I put on an act that Im okay, but I never am, because I dont know how to be a normal human without you. you are my sanity and my nice half. I am so protective of you.

Its weird how much highschool tears people apart, but I have realized that were inseperable. your the one I call to tell good news, or cry to. I can tell you EVERYTHING, because I trust you. I trust you with my secrets, my life, you never give up. Im sorry when I yell or do stupid things and dont let you have a say, your opinion comes first and I always listen, I always try to take your advice. I love you more than words can say, you are everything to me, I couldnt ask for anyone better, forever and always<3

Love,
Natle<3


ps. your my person.

past few days.

I have learned to be at peace with myself and my independence.

feels so good to  not need you.

so content with everything at this moment in time. hope it lasts!

sick

I thought I liked the idea of you two,
it makes me sick to my stomach.

i cant do this anymore.

i cant : (

tonight

I sat down, opened up word and typed for hours about life, my thoughts, friends, crushes and what not, It came to be 11 pages, I printed it up. I have decided once a month to sit down and write about my life. and put in a boook, it will always be nice to remember<3


ps. thank you for showing me im worth it.

I was

your bestfriend when you were down, when you needed me. But now your getting back up on your own two feet and I realize I am slowly losing importance to you, Im glad your getting new friends, you deserve happiness. I dont matter anymore, you can easily fill your days up, while I just sit here telling you Im okay. But Im not.


I guess I knew I always wouldnt be your other half.
Because you found someone better, and he honestly is better.

vunerable.

am I supposed to know how to do this? Is it okay to be vulnerable?Am I supposed to be strong, while you lay there unconscious. All I can think about is the fact that I am not strong enough to let go, I am not capable of being okay if I lose you, and I cant lose another uncle, that would be 3 in 3 years, How am I supposed to be happy? your struggling and I am being selfish, instead of saying its all in gods hand, im saying, those fucking doctors aren't doing shit, why aren't they caring? I shouldnt be thinking about losing you. I should be praying for a miracle, and oh boy am I praying, because losing you will hurt me. You are my uncle Bob, the uncle that showed me what sass is, who taught me to swear in spanish, who showed me everything about cars at 5 years old, you took me to work and I loved being in the garage, watching you fix your car. I loved visiting you and the pancakes you always made, even though you played it tough, you always cuddeled me, you cut my sandwhiches into hearts, I should have told you I loved you, every chance I got, because you always told me.

please pull through, I cant imagine life without you<3

Its come to my attention.

I am a person that is becoming unrecognizable. I have found the old me slipping through the cracks of life. I no longer am easy going and funny and innocent, it has been pointed out that I use words like fuck, shit, damn, dick, and any possible cuss word that pops in my head, and its not really popular with my friends. I look back at all these incredible friends I once had and regret letting them walk away, I regret pulling away from everyone and becoming a hermit. I dont know who I am anymore. my style, friends, word choice, outlook and whatnot has changed, I have become more independent at times, but also very attached when upset, I am holding on to the few people I have and I feel like each day is a struggle. I dont know if I like the new me. Im fucking sick of it.

I find myself.

Reading your encouraging text messages throughout my day, telling my friends the funny things that you say, or the stories. and then they all as me if I like you, but I dont. you have become my best friend, you have become the person I trust and feel comfortable with, you care because you want to, you dont have any obligation to me, but you still care, you are my best friend. and I cant describe it, I feel like I have known you forever. You will make somebody very happy someday, I simply adore you.

you're an incredible friend<3

please be okay.

I wish this wasnt really happening, I feel more helpless than ever.
now what?


I give up.


:(

you have managed

to ruin every ounce of happiness I can get my hands around. 

its almost as if you say you want whats  best, but bitching me out is always in favor.

congratulations, you win.

please

let me wake up tomorrow and this all be a dream.

anxiety.

I am so sick of my anxiety taking over my days. I also am sick of holding in my feelings and emotions because I am afraid to tell people. I have so many opinions but I will never tell you all.

ps. I hate this so bad.

latley.

I have been trying to joke about my life, making it seem like its all okay.
but Im bored, miserable, and lonely.


: (

Im really

scared.

honestly.

I just want you to be happy, and whatever it takes I am behind you, through the ups and downs with him, I am forever here, and though we may get annoyed, your happiness is very important to me, because seeing you sad hurts my heart, because I know its real. so whatever it takes for you to smile and be happy, im behind you the whole way.


I wish someone cared about me the way he does for you.
<3

scary.

How quickly this world will steer you away from what really matters. I let my "new" life change my heart, I put my faith on the backburner, and I regret it, because in the end it comes to heaven or hell. I dont want hell, and I dont care what anyone calls me, they can make fun of me for being christian, but in the end It doesnt matter.


I just want my faith to be my biggest priority again.
<3

Library.

Its become apparent that most of my time is spent at its a grind, and I find this hilarious.I honestly am either at its a grind, my house or heathers. I really am content though with the way things have been lately, Like honestly my best friend is the funniest person in the world and I am always laughing, and I'm becoming alot closer with some people and I cant explain my appreciation.


Basically things are good right now, as for tomorrow, hopefully Malibu with mommy and heather!

When you my face hope it gives you hell.

I just want to curl up and sleep till summer.
please and thank you<3

everyones right.

Im just a gossiping bitch.

hmm.

I no longer have respect for you, you have lost your chance, you are not the same person you used to be. funny how people change.

so I am sorry that I am jut expected to hurt you, but honestly I dont care anymore.

over it.

ps. I miss you <3

sit at home.

I just want to sit at home the next few days, Dont care enough to get out,
Unless I am at the beach, I have no reason to leave my house for the next week.


Um so I am really falling for you.
: /

for real.

I cant stop crying,
this wasnt supposed to happen, Please be okay, Im so sorry<3


ps. Talent show was a joke, so glad Im done with MHS.

I just want.

to hide under a rock, I feel so stupid!


ps. I am done with your contradicting words.

Oh washington!

today heather and I were at its a grind, Oh Of Course! Anyways we were talking about going to Washington, and you don't understand how much I love Washington, seeing my aunt is possibly the greatest thing to look forward to! Anyways after an eventful outing with mom dad and Delaney, Heather decides to casually ask my Mother what her plans for the summer are, we then proceeded to convince my mother to road trip with Heather, my Brother, and Myself! And as I sat there I got so excited as my mother seemed to ease into the idea, its as if shes really considering it. How incredible it would be to share Washington with my best friend, the late nights outside, bonfires, the walks, picking fruit, shoping in the city, FARMERS MARKETS! all of it, Washington is when Im happiest. If the roadtrip doesnt work, then hello plane, I dont care what it takes. I cant wait to walk around in the beautiful city, or walk with all the trees, the idea of lakes, bonfires and animals. its all so exciting! Lets hope it happens<3

Only you understand the reason I am listing to since youve been gone while writing this.

You are my best friend, I cant even describe how lost I am, I sit here daily just looking through pictures, messages and what not wondering how this happened. You were supposed to be my maid of honor, Now who will be? I cant imagine my wedding day without you, I cant imagine walking down the isle and searching for your face and it not being there. I cant imagine planning a wedding without you, I cant imagine having a family without you, who will come over, sip coffee and just stare at our kids and laugh at all the things they do. Who will I cry to? who will I laugh with? Who will I call at 3 in the morning to tell the good and bad news? I dont want to imagine going to coffee with anyone else, I don't want to imagine raising a family without you as my best friend, I cant imagine graduation,weekends, summer, or birthdays without you. I cant imagine my life without you, I miss you.In my future, you were the one person I always imagined being there, being my support and my best friend. I cant do this without you. who will hold my dress at my wedding when I pee, who will help me get ready? who will laugh so hard that they cant breathe? honestly, nobody can ever fill your shoes, and all the plans I have dont look as good, if your not there.



I miss you.


You're my person.

Honestly.

Talking down to me like I'm 12 years old and cant comprehend your words is really stupid, and to be completely honest with you, I lose respect for you when you talk down to me, so grow up and stop acting like you are so much greater than me.


and to you, I miss you a lot, and I don't know what the deal is or why you avoid us but honestly after everything, for you to give up now, it breaks my heart<3

laying in bed.

is my newest hobby.

wont be getting out of it anytime soon.
im sorry I ruined it all.
I hope you're happy.

I'm

Way Ahead of You.

tomorrow night should be interesting, Im finally choosing to let go.
I just want to talk to you again, as if nothing ever happened.

some kinda of wonderful.

Phenomenon this is.

Its really weird not having you by my side anymore. So today I was talking to my mom and I told her how I hate moorpark and I feel so trapped here, then my mommy told me that I can get my permit, so soon I will be driving, away from here, getting a job, and just me, my car and music. Nobody needs to accompany me, because I am learning independence is key here, and my mother said that we might be able to move, she originally said she was only staying here until her children finished high school, but since I wouldn't mind moving, it shall be a possibility. I sure hope so : )

things are changing, I wish you were here to experience them with me <3

But I had a gift card.

What a great reason to shop.
I saw the movie shopaholic, the whole time she described how shopping felt I agreed, oh what a marvelous rush, after the movie I decided oh well, I wont shop as much, then right when the movie ended, I went to target and got a dress and shirts, umm, but I had a giftcard! And Now Im shopping online, God put those stores there for our enjoyment, so this is my way of enjoying life!

Hooray for shopping, Now I just need a job, suggestions?

Valentines.

I ALWAYS hated valentines, and this morning I woke up bitter towards the day, but the remembered that I had plans to go to coffee with shannon, who might be one of my favorite people! I sat there looking around just thinking to myself, I wish I had a boy, at that moment I got a text message from a good friend of mine, and I realized, that valentines isnt about boyfriends and roses and chocolate, to me valentines is a symbol of the friends I have, the love of these people that keep me going day to day! This is a day for me to bake for the people I love and Have an exscuse to tell everyone how much I adore them! I can honestly say, I love valentines day! I love the friends I spend it with, for once, Im not completley disgusted by valentines, Im happy with it<3

to those who get me through my trials, lovelovelove<3

Happy Valentines girl, I hope its wonderful!

For Valentines.

I just want a best friend.

I hope everything works out for the best<3

Dearest Larry Lohan,

Lets team up, Between the two of us, I think we can ruin lives.
Im in on the gossip, its my hobby!

music.

I was thinking tonight as I sat there watching american idol. I was thinking how much I just want to sing forever, how much I want that to be my life, to just be passionate, And I want it so bad, I will go anywhere, as long as I can sing and play music, because its my security. its what gets me through, how awesome would life be if I could do what I loved? american idol, i might be coming!


I want this.

wonderful mood!

I have realized tonight, I am to quick to judge, tonight I had some wonderful conversations with people I had never considered to be worth my time, my eyes were opened to new friendships, and I cant describe how good it feels! there are alot of wonderful people out there, and Im going to take the time to get to know them!

It seems

That I havent been in much of the blogging mood latley.one thought that remains constant on my mind is summer! Oh boy do I miss it! I really miss the sun on my face and the sand on my skin! I miss the ocean, I miss laying in the grass in the park with a breeze hitting my shoulders, I miss no makeup, sun dresses and ponytails!I miss constant friend time and no school, being able to stay out all night, the bonfires, I miss waking up to a day ahead of me, with no plans, just the freedom of summer! I love summer adventures with days in ventura and santa monica! I miss concerts, and dinner partiess! I miss trips to the beach at night! I miss late nights of venting, gossip and guitars, sining, laying under the stars and just being with my friends! I cant describe how incredible last summer was, lets hope this one is even better! Hooray for summer, Hooray!Hooray!

well today I officially failed my nutrition final! haaha. I guess I should pay attention in my classes instead of sitting in the back with heather laughing! and right now Im watiing to go to lalos, so im attempting my math homework as I wait! anyways, I am really lucky to have the feww friends I have left, Im very excited for the next few weeks! and Im looking for a job! something to occupy my day!

<3

new life.

I feel like this is the start of a new life, without you, trust me, I don't think this is for the better. I don't think I'm happy with this decision. I don't think I'm going to stop crying anytime soon! I don't know how to accept that were done, you were always there, in the 17 years of my life you have been my greatest memory. you were there through every death, birth, weddings, breakups, everything in my life! the laughter, the tears, the fighting, the dancing, the jokes, the vacations, everything, truth is I was always happiest with you. but then things changed, we fought more than ever, the fights weren't out of annoyance, the words became harsher, and we fought to hurt each other. we fought to break each other down and make a point. it hurt, and I pulled away, I stopped talking to you, we stopped sharing our problems, the fights continued and we had new friends, a bad one happened, my life was a disaster, I didn't know who to run to, with good and bad news, and now I have to start over, I have to make new friends, find someone else to celebrate with, find someone else to cry with, I have to start over, and god am I terrified, I'm crying right now, as I'm putting the past to rest, remembering the good, and crying over our future, because this is the hardest thing to face. Its hard to say goodbye to you.because as much as you refuse to believe it, you were always the most important friend to me, deep down, you were always first, but now were done and I'm starting fresh, and I don't want to, not one bit, I don't want to say goodbye to you and everything we built. this is like the worst breakup I will go through. because saying goodbye to you is saying goodbye to my other half, so I wish you all the best, so heres to you, and your new life.


goodbye<3

Realizations about Heather and I.

1. were sassy.
2. were flirts.
3. we gossip.
4. were bitches.
5. we have great style.
6. we have a few cool friends.
7. we don't always tolerate people.
8. were legitimately funny.

way to many more. but these are the key ones.

its painful.

To see you like this, to see you so broken. You were always my strongest role model, I cant explain how much I love you, Im an emotional wreck without you, Please get better, we miss you so much<3


Im hoping for the best, Lets be optimistic here! I want you to be happy again!

<3

can someone

please explain everything to me, can someone fix everything,can someone be my best friend?

hahahaah.

only my life!


off to bed, not sure what to do with myself so I will sleep.

dream life.

once a project, now a blog!

The assignment was as easy as this, write my ideal life. I thought to myself this is going to be an easy A, I can make everything exactly how I want it, perfect. Reality is life if nothing remotely close to perfection. Why would I lie to myself and pretend that life is perfect when in reality it is not. Life can be incredible, but never perfect. In this “dream” life I dream of being married young, and being in the prime of my life. I want it to be like Cinderella where my night in shining armor comes along and sweeps me off my feet. I would meet the man I would spend my life with. He would be an unimaginable person with a great smile that made me weak in the knees, and a musician who had so much passion for the words he sang and the chords he played. I would look into his eyes and know I would be happy forever. He would look at me with the same passion that I saw my Grandparents look at each other with. I would get butterflies every time I saw him, the same butterflies my aunt still gets with my uncle. It would be the love you see in movies but my own love story. Then comes our wedding, a simple and intimate wedding with the people that mean the most to us. It would be in a quaint chapel, the chapel that a child dreams about. A little white chapel with stain glass windows. Our reception would be loud and exciting with lots of dancing and celebrating. Our honeymoon would be very low key but all about us. It would not be about sights we see or the things we collect, but the memories and pictures and the laughter and love we share. Obviously, we would fight, but as I said previously life is not perfect. We would find a small house just outside the city. It would be a neighborhood ideal for a family. In the early stages he would surprise me with the perfect gift, an open space that he bought for my bakery. My bakery took up most of my time, but there was always time for my husband. Then we were blessed with our first child, our son. Life seemed as if it could not get any better. I was in love with the man of my dreams and had a beautiful son. That’s when our second blessing came into this world, our daughter. From that point on God blessed us with 2 more incredible girls. This was my dream as a child. A beautiful wedding, the perfect family and my own bakery.

didnt have the end saved. this is it so far.

today,

I got my 3rd whole pierced, I dont know what it is about the rain, It frees my mind of everything and I feel like a child again, Maybe its because most of my childhood was spent outside, so dancing and walking in the rain, reminds me of it all! anyways! I love my earing, and I cant exxplain how much one letter can do for a person.


lovelovelove.
I want my blog posts to be more optimistic. : )

I've come to the conclusion.

I'm a terrible friend.

i cant.

do this. I cant believe what I have let myself do to my life, I cheated myself out of highschool and At first I just thought it was good, but now I miss it terribly, I sat in chorus today and watched everyone laughing and thought I wish I actually liked highschool, I wish I was back there, and everyone tells me I can still go back, but I cant, as much as I want to love it, I never will sincerely like highschool. I will never be happy until Im done. I just feel like latley I have no control over my life, My friends seem limited and very short with me, the people I once thought were strong are struggling and I dont know what to make of it. I dont know how to be strong when there hurting so bad, I just want to fix everyone, I dont know how to pretend I'm happy and just smile and act like everything is fine and dandy, I dont know how to be the friend I once was, I feel hopeless in helping them, I feel like alot is on my plate and I dont know how to look at the good and not dwell on the bad, I want to badly to look at the positive and say screw you to the negative but I feel incapable of brushing it off my shoulders, I feel incapapble of not letting my shit beat me down. I feel as if I am more alone that ever, I miss my brother more and more everyday, I hate unlocking the front door to an empt house, my parents are always working, and I rely on friends to make everything feel less lonely, I hate not having my brother to talk to, because of him being gone, I hold all the feelings I have towards my family inside me and its tearing me apart, I hate being home alone, and them telling me Im not good enoguh, I just want to say to them " you're never here, so why does it matter, you're not here to see me" but I never will, I will never tell them how I really feel, I have messed things up to much, I just want to scream, I want to yell at the top of my lungs, I want to go a day without confrontations in any sense, I want to smile and laugh and see my friends, I want to have the best friend feeling back, I dont want to "settle", I want to have goals and dreams, I dont want to doubt everyone and expect little, I want to be encouraged instead of beat down, I just want to be happy, I just want that. No more anxiety, crying, late nights up thinking, yelling and snapping at my friends, I want to smile and laugh and drive around singing at the top of my lungs, I want to go to the flower fields and take pictures, I want to go to the pool or take trips to the beach, I want to run with the sun on me and feelings a sense of peace, I want to picnic in the park or just lay under the tree in my backyard, I want to wear sundresses, no makeup and summer hair : ) I want to go on houseboats and just lay under the stars and be at peace, no cell phones, no drama, just me and the people that matter.

Oh how I want to be happy, If only it was as easy as wishing.

everything.

you are the greatest friend to me and you dont even know how much I appriciate you, You have not once ever given up on me, I know we fight, I know we bicker and I know were not always perfect, but you're so incredible. I wish people would see how amazing you are and realize that you're probably the greatest friend they could ever have, I know you dont like to share your feelings and I respect that, but you know I am always here to listen, because no matter what I say, I love you.

<3

change.

For the first time in all my life, I want a huge change, I want something that changes my life, I want to move away, and start fresh!


I want you to be happy<3

why?

is everyone in love with you? Why? Really irritating to me!
I am still sick and I cant get rid of my dumb cough, and whenever Im sick I have dreams that I hate, Oh how Im ready for those dreams of my past to go away.

I

give up trying to matter to you, because I never will matter like I want to.
I will never be apart of your life like I once was, and I hate that. You still matter to me, but to you Im just a girl, Im no longer a friend to you, I hope you beat all this and come out on top. I will always be willing to be a friend, I love you!

please.

help me!
I dont know what to do anymore, I feel like Im losing control of my life! I feel like you don't want anything to do with me anymore. I am sick of feeling things, I just want to be numb to everyone, I want to pack up and leave moorpark behind, I dont want to feel anything painful anymore. I just am going to start screaming and punching people and just not have any patience, because its not worth it anymore.


uggh! Help me! Please help me again! I miss you!

i hate this.

I hate that this is following me around. I want to be rid of this. I want to be free. I dont want it to ruin my days, I dont want to get confronted on it. I dont want to cry about it, I dont want it to control me ANYMORE! I want to feel free, I need to escape this! Why am I so bored! Why did things turn out this way? why cant I just be "normal"? Why does this follow me, I just cant do this anymore.


I cant, please help me, I want your help so bad!

well.

I dont know what to do with my life, I am so bored! I just sit around and do school, blog, go on facebook, go on runs, and bake and sing! I need a job or something, or more friends, cause all I do is sit around! I hate this! I wish it was summer! I wish I could run away from moorpark for a few weeks and just leave everything behind, live with no worries. Oh how happy summer makes me! I want to be in hawaii! just realxing on the beach and adventuring and shopping! Oh what I would give to pack up and leave moorpark behind. the idea seems like the greatest thing to me! Oh hawaii! I need to see you<3

i wish.

I knew how it felt to be happy with everything I haave, to not have a feeling in my gut that I'm miserable.

I can only wish anymore.

party.

so I was totally nervous about my party, thinking that everyone was going to cancel and that it would be very dull. I kept getting anxious. thinking what if nobody has fun? but then as everyone started to show up , I felt my anxiety lessen, It was SO good to see the friends I missed. to hug everyone and feel the love! To feel like it was all going to be good! I loveloveloved everyone that came. It was really good having the guitars and singing outside! and having everyone just laughing and dancing and smiling. Nothing negative mattered, and there was no drama. For one night everything was okay! and I got to see all my friends! I was so happy last night, then the night ended with allie, kellen, ray, heather, sean, dylan and I just sitting around talking, dancing, being creepy and me being classy in my sweats! Oh what a night to remember.

<3

helpless.

I feel so helpless right now, you always have been there for me, You practically raised me, I have always looked up to you, you werre my role model growing up, I was so proud to hang out with you. You were my beautiful, cool, older sister! thats what I told everyone. Then when you moved away I was devestated, I remember being so excited when you would come home I would be so excited! then when my dad had his heartattack I remember you coming home to take care of me, I remember our sleepovers and all the pictures we took, I remember the laughing the dancing, the baking. Then when you moved back this last year, I reemmber being SOO excited, this past year you have saved me from my worst year. you always took me away when things were messy, you gave me advice, you took me to dinner and let me cry. you became my sister again.I felt so safe with you, all our adventrues and shopping sprees, oh the people we met, the guys who hit on us. you gave me the most laughs! Your car was sacred, and so much was said and screamed in it. the tears, the laughter, the gossip. everything. you became the person I trusted, you always took care of heather and I. I love you so much, and now without you, I feel Helpless, I hate seeing you like this. I miss you more than words can say.


<3

cheated.

I can't help but wonder if I cheated myself out of my highschool years?
I cant stop thinking what life would be like if I hadnt of left MHS, I wouldnt have the friends I made, but Maybe I wouldnt have lost old ones? I cant help but question my decision, was it the right one? Or should I have stayed?

why?

do these dumb scenarios always happen to heather and I?

we always have dumb problems that nobody else has to face! Like today, while dying my hair heather decides to shake the bottle and the dye goes everywhere! all over me, the counter, my cd player, my phone and the cabinets! and of course it instantly stained the cabinets! so of course not being able to get it out we head to michaels to buy paint! we get paint that of course DOESNT match, come home and go to paint over it, its so much lighter than my cabinets, so we call heathers mom, and andrew searching for help, but of course nobody will help us! so we try every cleaning product in my house and none works, so now I have to fess up to my mom!

why us?

oh and I hate being sick! Better heal before saturday or im going to scream!


<3

blogging.

has become my obsession, the freedom to put all my thoughts down and not care who reads them. kinda mysterious, and now I cannot feel like a burden, because whoever reads theses posts, reads by choice, I no longer am forcing my problems upon anyone.

oh what I would give to get away right now. to pack up all my stuff and just go.

how?

did things turn out this bad.

How did I become this miserable. How did I lose so many people. How did I let myself become controlled by such a silly problem. How did I let myself be such a bad friend. How come all I do is doubt myself and cry and pity my life. Why cant I be happy? How do I be happy? why cant I help the one friend who has been through it all with me?


if you figure any of these out, please let me know!

anxiety.

has been bad these past few days, when your away my anxiety is bad. when your home everything is okay, Please come back, I missmissmiss you! I dont like feeling like this! anyways, my birthday was very pleasant, and I am excited for saturday night! anyways, I love you so much! and I miss you!

<3

a serious question

How did my life turn out this bad?

I really want to know how all these friendships ended. want to know why nobody likes me?

can someone tell me why?

curious.

So tonight, at missys party I decided to get my fortune read, I proceed to pick 3 cars, all of them had to do with marriage and building a family, the person I marry was said to be strong and stable. then she proceeded to tell me I would have 4 children! I dont think this could be true, but I wish with everything I have that it would all end up this way, that this would be my life. I want to be a wife and a mother so terribly! Is it wrong to hope this all is the way it ends up? what if that waas my life!


I have been thinking alot about being a mom latley, more than normal. the idea of a child depending on me that much makes me so happy! how incredible it will feel, to be a mother, and to have someones life in my hands! Oh to be a mom, its going to be so much fun!

I lovelovelove the idea of my future.

cant stop laughing.

okay, so funniest night I have had in so long.
its around 10 30 and heather and I say our goodbyes, and my mother proceeds to take heather home. I go back to my life, and my mother returns, my parents go to bed, and I return to the computer, my house is dark and Im listening to music, then I hear banging at my door! Its 11 30 and I look out the keyhole and its pitch black, the dogs are going crazy and my mom runs down, and yells, "who is it?" and we hear a faint "Its me, I got locked out!" we open the door to heather panting. she proceeds to explain, how she was locked out and how she kept banging on the door and she rang the bell and robin wouldnt wake up! and she didnt have her key, I ask her why she didnt call and she reminds me that her phone was dead! so now i am laughing hysterically, cant breathe and heather is sleeping over, my mother made up the couch, and now im sitting here trying not to laugh anymore, realizing heather is frustrated! but i cant help to laugh that this is our lives, that situations like this follow us, and now Im sitting here with heather, who keep in mind i hate, and listening to music.


this is our lives, why wouldnt you want to be our best friend?

and in this crazy life,.

and through these crazy times,
its you, its you.


days like this, you realize your friends, and doubt a few.
I love that I am always being confronted, its quite funny actually, my friends feel the need to pick apart my life, I dont know what compells my friend to pick my life apart. over it. I dont need to worry about it. I have the people I need, and I will learn to cope with those I lose.

importance.

I want to feel important to someone, I want to take care of them, I want to cry with them, I want to laugh with someone, dance, take pictures and just remember all the good, and let go of the bad, I want to feel like they need me! like Im so important that life would be different without me! I want to care about someone with all I have, I want to be a mom, I want to hold a child and know that there life is in my hands, and feel the unfailing love of a child! I want them to cry and run to me, or cuddle in my arms and feel safe, I want to hold them and be there through the good and bad, and just remind them, that im always there. I want to feel needed by a child. know they are dependent on me! What a great feeling.

birthday,

so my birthday has been quite tiring, No sleep! Im running on coffee, I had a class at 8 30, and It was bad, I didnt have my book, so I felt stupid! then I had a long break, where I sat with with Heather and Merielle and Saw Kris, luke and kevin. Now Im off to nutrition, then I am getting lunch with ALY! then I will go home, take a power nap, head over to Joeys, meet up with heather later, and then dinner with my best friends! long day ahead of me, Running on NO SLEEP! haha. coffee will get me through! Love birthdays, get to see your friends!

<3

why.

cant i sleep?
miserable!

so.

things are good. My birthday is in 2 hours! and Im very excited! tomorrow should be a success! get to see my best friends, so everything is falling into place. lunch with aly, and I dont have to take the bus to school! hooray! tonight was good. very tired!

<3

santa barbra.

was so fun!
very eventful,
there will be pictures on facebook soon!
hmmm.
im sorry, but im not ready to tell you.

<3

tonight.

consisted of driving around, hunting for something very important.
picking up joey.
in n out.
7-11.
picking up andy
driving out to gravity hill and being scared multiple times.
driving out to camrillo, to scary dairy.
then back to moorpark.
trip to dennys
and now Im here.


was scared multiple times, almost peed my pants, blasting music, laughing and figuring out how my life turned out this way.

Santa barbra tomorrow with allie and heather<3

hmm

so heather and I have hit rock bottom.
we are bribing and begging people to hang out with us

Hm.

so today I helped heather move, I cant imagine how weird it was for her. It was weird for me to sit there and help her pack her things up, then drive 5 minutes to a room that once was heidis. I cant help but wonder when I will move out, whether it will be a dorm room or an aparment with my close friends, I sure hope not a dorm room. anyways, My birthday is in 4 days! and also, its weird not talking to you, theres so many things I need advice on, and so many things I wish I could tell you, but I cant.

today, driving around with heather, blasting music, singing and dancing felt so right, haah. I know it sounds weird, but I couldnt stop laughing and smiling, I found myself almost in tears, heather has been there through the good and the bad and when I waas upset or crying my eyes out or just laughing, music and signing and dancing in the care with heather was always the cure, so lets just say tonight, I was happy to regain that feeling that nothing else matters :) music has an incredible effect on me, some may call it weird, I call it love!

hmm

tonight was really uncomfortable, I thought everything would be normal again. kept passing, not once did you acknowledge me,I realized something,I always say I choose the wrong friends, but maybe its just me, maybe my friends are right,but Im the one that ruins it all. I think I am the reason I lose friends, its nobody else but me, I think I care to much, Im sorry to all you. Im sorry for blaming you.


isolation from everyone begins now.

:)

I am happy with life right now, regaining a friendship once lost, Very good weekend, hopefully things will go as planned, I am smiling, baking, and I got a cute belt today and made friends with albert from goodwill. Got some fake eyelashes. hahah. so excited for my birthday 5 days! and I will be 17!


lovelovelove<3

everything.

is changing, I am going to stop relying on people who are not equipped to help me, Its time to get help from people are equipped. I am happy right now. I know things arent good. But I am happy. cause I have my faith. I have realized I have my family. and I have some incredible friends, school is going good for me, I enjoy my classes. I am happy that my brother is still home, even if its only till monday. I am sorry for snapping, I am happy though. even though I am struggling, and may be discouraged at times. I still have hapiness in the fact that my faith is strong, and Im going to overcome it all. I am getting really at making cupcakes. haha. Its my life. Just bake, when in doubt.

<3

Im done.

relying on people, to take the pain away to fix me, this is all on me. so from now on I am doing this by myself. I will not be a burden anymore. I will not cry, complain or vent to anyone. I will not rely on people to help me. Because I need to do this alone, so Im sorry to everyone who has ever tried to help me and i HAVE pushed you away, but no longer am I a burden, I will be the friend that everyone misses. and my problems will be my own.

<3

relapse.

Im sorry.

hmm.

I used to depend on you, I USED to think you could fix me, I used to think you would never give up. funny how our opinions and lives change. Now I have learned to depend on nobody but God, Realized NOBODY but God can fix me, and you gave up. Its out of my hands now and I need to aceppt it. I have realized the couple of months that you have helped but you are incapable of fixing me, thats between me and god, so now, I will do this alone, because you need to focus on your life.

and ps.
dont try to fix something that I dont want fixed, and we dont need your help, were capable of it ourselves.

today,

I sat in my bed this morning with tears rolling down my face, I questioned my reason for waking up. I questioned why I should go to school and sit through a class. then it came to me, we dont need a new reason everyday to get up, because God is our reason. friends or family shouldnt be my reason, I should wake up and want to go out and live my life for him. So as I realized this I was overwhelmed with a smile and a sense of comfort, I didnt feel like I had no hope. Realizing this gave me a new perspective on the day. Instead of looking at everything poorly, I handeled my day with patience and grace, and this strength helped me come to the realizization that I missed my best friend, I missed her and I couldnt deny it. and to another person, I always thought you had an overwhelming amount of knowledge, i thought you were so incredible, and I still admire you, but I have learned not to depend on you to fix me, I have to do this with those I love, maybe you were there for me at my weakest, and now its time to do it alone, and Im at peace with it. Im going to be fine without you, I know I will. anyways, birthday soon, so excited for party, see all my close friends! I love this<3

I dont know.

why this is like a breakup.


so basically my birthdday is in 10 days and Im really excited, My party shall be wonderful. I get to see everyone that means something to me, I am excited. Already brainstorming cakes and whatnot. So excited!

Heather and I are getting really good at our dance routines to britney spears. and we will travel the world sharing our passion for dance with our great technique. london, paris maybe tokyo. Anyways well were going to go train, its serious buisness.

mmm.

I like you, alot. I shouldnt, But I do. I cant tell anyone! Not one of my friends knows that Im head over heels for you, nobody would ever expect it. but I am, you make me so happy! please dont ever stop smiling and laughing, please dont ever give up, seeing you down makes me feel helpless. its weird.


hhmm, so I have been really happy latley, I havent cried and I think my heart is a little stronger. I wish you were happy to. I wish you werent sad, I wish you were laughing and dancing with your friends, I wish your heart didnt hurt so much.

also, I wish you would just leave us all alone, Im scared of you. Please. Just get your own life, away from us!

<3

<3

through everythig you have been there, you promised never to give up and you never did, I snapped and you took it. I came to your house, layed on your floor and ate you chocolate and you couldnt have been anymore patient, I rambeled on when sad and made a fool of myself when happy, but you were alongside the whole time, you hugged me and told me it will all work out and you chose not to listen to everyone else. your worth everything to me and i couldnt be happier about how strong our friendship is right now<3


we went through alot, you helped me through some of the toughest times, but you never stopped caring, we would write how much we love eachother, and how were in lesbian love, you sent me postsecrets and never stopped encouraging me, you helped me every step of the way, you broughht up sensitive subject that saved me, you saved me from alot of things, like we say, I dont know how I lived before you.<3


16 years babygirl, when I was little you were all I know, I know you wont read this but oh well, man have you seen every side of me, you have seen me at my best and worst, I am so happy with where your life is right now babygirl, Im glad that your happy. even though soccer takes up most of your time I love you so much, I will always have a place for you in my heart.


you hae been there consitently for almost 3 years now, and I dont know what I would do without you, you let me cry and yell and you just sit there, but your honest, you tell me what you think even if it hurts, we love susanne so much and she has seen it all, but your one person I laugh with more than anybody, whether were shopping or just sitting on my couch or in its a grind were always laughing at something, you always make me smile, and I think you get me more than anybody else. my family loves you more than anybody else, pretty much more than me, and I think your the one person who actually get me, like you get that Im dumb and weird and even if you dont get the jokes, you understand that its my sense of humor, you have held me accountable, and I love all our time together, speciallly our late night trips to dennys and In n out. I love you! I couldnt think of anyone else I would rather share everything with.

for the past 6 months I have ran to you, I have looked to you for advice and you never failed me, even though it didnt always look like it was working it was. you have been so strong for me, even when things were bad, you always had hope. you had the strength to help me, you never gave up even though I knew you wouldnt, you delt with he exscuses, the trust issues, the pain i was holding in, the whole time your best advice, is seek god, he is forever, he will fix you, and be happy! You encouraged me when I was down, you made me laugh, you never failed to make me smile, with your jokes and whatnot, you told me to count chimmneys, and now I do everyday, and because of your Love for God and your willigness to let him use you to help me, Im happy, and Im becoming stronger, so thanks for never giving up.


all my life you have been there, even though we rarely saw eachother or hung out, I always considered you family! your so beautiful and you always have been a huge encouragment and role model to me, i cant tell you how much I love you and how much I have come to trust you in the past few years, Im so glad that like I can always talk to you, even though your in a different country, I know your still there for me, I cant wait till you get home! I love you.




15 years, we have had our ups and downs, said things we regret but we always recovered, we were the ideal picture of best friends, or so I was told. we have been through so much together, deaths, birthdays, births, fights, everything. we always pulled through, you were the one I ran to in times of struggle, I shut you out when my uncle died but you never held it againt me, you actually understood me, you know me inside and out, and I love you, things arent perfect, but only time can tell anymore, only time.

okay,

so its just really weird how ending a friendship is like a gnarly breakup, I dont even know, Like you have to exchange back clothes, jewwelry, everything, and then your poor friends get dragged into it. because when your best friends, you share friends and they have to balance there time, Its funny how ridiculous and unneccesarry this is, that your not even broken by this, that I have been crying since last night and your fine.

it was shady.

I need faith to get me through.
BAD.

uncle gene.

today I told the story of your death, I fought the whole time to hold back the tears as I explained everything, but you know what I realized? even though It was the hardest thing, I have learned so much and become so much stronger, Allthough I last all hope, in the end I pulled through, I have realized every effect it has had oon my life, and now Im going to tell all the good instead of ddwelling on the bad. I am crying so hard writing this. but lets just say the goodtimes with you always outweighed the bad, you shared me LOVE of movies, I loved our sunday movie days where we would rent new and classics and I would cook and you would bring the movies and we would just cuddle up on the couch and watch these movies then the minnute they ended, we gave our opinions. I miss the text messaging, the random jokes or fun facts you would send me while I was in school, I loved ventura with you, I loved our last trip to ventura, when you tried on every hat and got very in to character. you made me laugh harder than anyone, and when I cried you either played your guitar, sang to me or put on frank sinatra and danced with me until I was okay, I still fall asleep to songs like rocky raccoon and milx sex and cookies, and pencil thin mustache. I listen to those songs and imagine you singing them to me, I always looked up to you, your passion for music was so incredible to me, I always bragged about you, you always made me smile and laugh and I never hated spending time with you. you never were afraid to go out of your element for me, I would always ask you to bake with me, you would, regardless of it you wanted to, and music was our love we shared. you would let me call you at anytime and pick me up if I needed to get away, you always planned fun days where we would just spend time totgether, you had so many stories from traveling, even though we had our fights, I never stopped loving you, I never doubted that you loved me with everything you had, and I never felt like a burden to you, I love you unncle gene, more than anyone <3

and Im still thinking of you, Im at peace, but I still remember you<3

hmm.

talking about you tonight, made me realize how blessed I am to have a friend like you, who always gets me through, holds me accountable, and tells me when Im being irrational, when Im over reacting, but never giving up, and always reminding me that your there, Im not a burden and your not giving up, I am so blessed, I know its cliche, but like at the wedding, your a great present!

and tonight was so good, with mandi and aly! I adore them both so much, so nice to have people to hold me accountable and strong, I loved every minute of my night.

<3